Bella’s List – Tell Me Your Thoughts

 

 

“The day has been ruined!” Bella said.  Her eyes sparkled and flashed as she spoke of her injury.  Bella was not so pleased with her labor’s reward.  She was not so satisfied with being accountable for her children‘s behaviors, when they thwarted her every effort at having a good family experience.

Five pieces to Bella’s puzzle:

  1. endless new beginnings
  2. victim or what?
  3. our reward
  4. accountability in parenting
  5. all-or-none catastrophizing

 

today.msnbc.msn.com

 

There are many approaches to these provocations but I’ll tell you mine – a blend of others.  There’s a lot in Bella’s list.  Let’s take the next few days to explore them.  I’m not sure how long I’ll be interested in these topics but that’s the plan for now!

In the mean time, it would be GREAT! to hear from you.  Please tell me your thoughts on any or all of these.

Recipe for Treating Panic Disorder, According to Me

 

shoponline2011.com

 

Recipe for Treating Panic Disorder, According to Me:

1.  If it’s taking you to the emergency room feeling like you’re going to die, or your spouse can’t peel you off with your phone calls and new needs – you have a medical illness.  Get medication.

2.  If you are afraid of being humiliated by an episode so much that you avoid public places, or if you are more fearful than not – you have a medical illness.  Get medical treatment.

3.  If you are panicking out of the blue, without something setting you off/triggers like finding your husband in bed with your dentist – this is biological.  Get a medical physician’s opinion.

4.  If you are awakening from sleep in a panic attack, when you feel like you have to get out of bed and escape and the episode lasts for about 10+ minutes before you recover yourself – this is not because you’re not trying hard enough.  Get on a serotonerigic therapy and a sleep aid(s).

5.  If you are drinking more alcohol to relax and out of fear of going to bed – get suspicious and get smart.  Medication therapy or alcohol?  It stumps me when someone says they don’t feel comfortable with taking medication that has beed studied in double-blind studies on thousands of people and reviewed and analyzed and more… but they do feel comfortable with alcohol.  That’s not friendly with yourself.

6.  If you think you are going crazy and realize your fears and suspicions don’t make sense; if you think you are possibly going psychotic over and over – you’re having a medical illness of the brain and body called panic disorder.  Get to your nearest treating physician and trust them.

 

juno.cumc.columbia.edu

 

7.  If this is you, don’t go get insight or supportive psychotherapy at least until you have been on medication therapy for 6-8 weeks.  What you are going through is not because your mom yells at you too much.  It doesn’t have to have a reason.  It is medical.  Treat it medically.  If you go to therapy too soon, you will see that you can’t give what you don’t have.  (I may have offended some people saying this.  Sorry.)

8.  If you don’t get treatment, expect that depression may likely follow soon.  Anxiety and depression are bedfellows and can’t be apart for long.

    Self-Care Tip #92 – View Panic as a medical illness.  It is.  Be a friend to yourself.

    Question:  Have you or someone you known used a similar recipe or a different one?  Please tell me your story.

    Escape Self-Loathing

    happinessinthisworld.com

    Self-Care Tip #91 – Put the fight down and take 2 steps back.  Be a friend to yourself.

    He came in looking really good.  Chris had seen me for many years and he hasn’t always looked this way.  I said

    You look great!

    Chris shrugged and told me he had just had a long messy argument with his partner and somehow still felt alright.  In the past, after they fought and the self-loathing set in, he might have hurt himself – like using alcohol or cutting on himself to

    …just feel something different.

    I was ready to move past the story as he sounded like he was ok with it.  We talked past each other.  Me asking about his sleep, and Chris telling me clips and phrases from the argument.

    But amazingly I’m fine!  If he wanted me out today, I’d be out of there, no problem.  He just needs to say the word!

    Chris was sitting back in his chair, relaxed until then.  His hands came up and took control of his space, thrusting as he spoke.

    Being a psychiatrist, my expertise kicked in and I realized I should turn back.  Chris wasn’t ready to talk about sleep.  You see what all those years of school can do.  Not everyone knows how to pick up on such subtleties.

    Chris, maybe you aren’t so happy you argued.

    We talked more about his energy, appetite and motivation.  Then we came back to his argument.

    It’s none of his f—— business where I am during the day!  I’m not his child.  I’m his partner!  I told him…!

    And so on.  Chris still looked better than when he was in the grip of post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, or when he was catatonic.  But he didn’t sit comfortably with himself.  And I thought, Chris has fought so hard for himself, why can’t he handle what I want to say?  And I did.  And he did.  Beautifully.  He was a brave knight on a black steed holding his wounded sides.  Life had been a battle for him, but he was making choices to fight less and live more.

    “Ok.  Yes.  You’re right.  I will next time.  That makes sense.”

    When you’re about to engage in something that in the end will make you loath yourself, choose not to.  That’s friendly to you and your other.  Say something like,

    When I was gone you felt jealous?

    Give over stage and anger and open windows and breath.  Just choose not to hurt yourself.  Winning or losing the argument, in the end, you hurt by your own choice.

    Biologically and probably spiritually Chris wouldn’t have known what to do with that years ago.  But he did now.  I saw him relax again and put his hands away.  I knew Chris had a love for Love and this clicked for him.

    I can’t describe how happy I was/am.  Being a part of his journey is a great honor.

    Question:  How have you escaped self-loathing and your mean self in the heat of the moment?  Please tell me your story.

    Don’t Forget Your Friends Chose You Too

     

     

    Ok folks.  Not much time to write tonight.  My girly girlfriend is moving out-of-state and we’re off soon on something of a Ta-Ta! date.  Why in the world do I feel rejected?!  If I were French I might think it was the language of the heart.  But I’m not French so I can’t say what they’d say.

    Friendship requires ongoing navigation through life.  You can’t ever just sit back and expect safe waters.  The close pals go far away and although they’ll always be friends, here we find ourselves, beached and sifting sand.  Finding gold is thought to be infrequent I think when sifting sand.

    Today my daughter told me her classmate’s father lost his job.  Big ouch.  She told me, “Mommy, I wish money covered the streets everywhere so no one would ever not have enough.”  She hasn’t entirely learned what gives value to the dollar.  Friendship is like that.  Valuable and uncommon.

    My friend told me once that I chose her and she chose me.  It’s awesome to be chosen!

    So I’m off to rub my coins together and be with my friend.  She is a treasure.

    Self-Care Tip #90 – Don’t forget that your friends chose you too.  Be a friend to yourself.

    Questions:  Have you noticed that you’ve been chosen too?  Please tell me your story.

    You’ll Be Less Bored if You Do

     

    Rocky Balboa

    Image via Wikipedia

     

    Self-Care Tip #89 – Practice being real.  Exercise it!  Be a friend to yourself.

    Sara Stein MD and author of Obese From the Heart, wrote

    There’s nothing romantic or mysterious about advanced age. It’s painful and difficult for everyone, but there are good moments.

    I like that.  We could say it about a lot of other things too.  Just today in clinic for starters, Mary said she’s falling asleep during the day, but is doing less self-injury since starting topiramate.  Max has gained about 20 pounds but he is over his Staphylococcus infection and he’s sleep through the night.  Marge is crying because there is no cure for her son’s illness, but he can still be treated medically and protected against further disease progression.

    Any time someone asks me how I’m doing, I’m in a paradox.  It’s the drive I struggle with to express emotions purely and completely that can be my own Rocky (Dir: John G.Avildsen, 1977) experience or it can kick me in the back-side.  Doing what Dr. Stein so eloquently did isn’t as easy as it looks.

    “Fine,” I say.  “Things are wonderful.  Thanks for asking.”  (Snore.)

    Or, (trip,) “I’m tired and parenting is difficult, and as much as I talk about it, I can’t seem to figure out how to take care of myself.  But I’m also really good and haven’t been this happy in a long time.” (Panting holding my sides.)

    Being real without boring or tiring yourself out might take some practice.

    The “real-thing,” blogger Film Fan wrote

    Philadelphia Museum of Art, Benjamin Franklin Parkway, 26th Street, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA.  The most famous location in Rocky is probably the stairs he jogs up during the ’Gonna Fly Now’ training montage. The good news is that you can re-enact the scene and jog up and down them, the bad news is that there are 68 steps… That’s quite a few if you’re jogging.

    If you ever want to get bored quick, try to be happy.  Try it.  Try to be good.  Try to ignore the monotony.  If you want to be bored, draw your house with a window and a door and a sun shining in the corner.  It’s no good for boredom when you draw in the shadows and colors.  But doing that well might not be natural for everyone.  We might need to get into a training program, like Rocky Balboa before we can be in the presence of the bad and the good of our lives without loosing our breath.

    It may take practice to be real, but you will be less bored if you do.

    Question:  How do you find being real with the good and bad of your life affects you?  Please tell me your story.

    Lure Yourself Like a Lover

     

    Art Gallery Bangkok

    Art Joy by Marie Schem

     

    Self-Care Tip #88 – Win yourself over.  Be a friend to yourself.

    Dr. White works with mostly women in primary care medicine.  She tells me that her women so often come in tired, overextended, and they say they don’t feel good.  She wonders why they think they can run 2 full-time jobs (parenting and employment) without suffering for it.  Her counsel is to down scale.

    My patients do so much better when they are working part-time.

    Christie, a mom of 3 who works full-time, tells me tonight,

    It’s hard.

    That’s not new news but nor is it small news.  How many of us nod when on the subject of self-care.  We sagely stroke our chin yet are nowhere to be found on the list of topics of interest.  Do we even get pleasure out of taking care of ourselves?

    I think there’s a misperception here.  The hard part is not doing the 2 jobs that Dr. White’s patients work.  It is working our own person.  Maybe if we found more pleasure in caring for ourselves we would.  Maybe if we connected that caring for ourselves is the minus-1 to the starting point of caring for others.  We can get hooked.  We can.  But it won’t be the same for all of us.   Any way you turn it though, we have to make it sticky, linked to pleasure, and making sense.

    Question: Is there anything specific you can think of that contributes to self-care being a positive thing in your life?  Please tell me your story.

    Rebel Against Your Own Intuition

    Cover of "You've Got Mail"

    Cover of Youve Got Mail

    Self-Care Tip #87 – Be a rebel towards your own intuition.

    My husband was telling me about how consumers are demanding a more human approach to industry.

    In the 1990’s the film written and directed by Nora EphronYou’ve Got Mail, showed us how the small personal touch was muscled out of business by the book-superstore.  Today, my husband told me that the inverse is happening now because technology allows it to.  Counterintuitive to thinking, the very thing that took out the mom-and-pop store is the very thing that is bringing it back.

    Author of the blog CreatingBrains, Joana Johnson, wrote a post, “Is Barnes & Noble Changing for the Worse?”  She describes their palliative efforts to feel their way through the current changes in the book sale market.  Clearly, buyers and readers are wanting something different from the superstore ambiance again.

    Readers have written in to me about their demands for a more human approach to their own selves.  Here are 2 recent examples.

    My mother always said that it was selfish to attend to your own needs when you were a wife and mother.  I’m happy to see a Christian woman refute that so eloquently.

    I have been recovering from a complete emotional breakdown for 16 years and… the hardest thing I have had to convince myself to do for nearly 70 years now is learn to be a friend to myself.

    These women are rebels in their own way and time.  I’m not a sociologist but I see these changes influenced also by technology and information.  It’s not so easy to stay barefoot and pregnant these days even if you wanted to.  “All things bright and beautiful” beckon to us.  Nor is it quite as easy to fool ourselves into believing that we’ll be able to take care of anyone – children, work, rescue dogs – if we haven’t taken care of ourselves first.  And although we still try to all the time, we just can’t believe any more that we can give what we don’t have.  Our current upside down economy is also testimony to that.

    I wrote a blog post some time ago titled “A Woman’s Work,” that largely speaks to this as well.  Because of many contributors, including temperament and conditioning, in many of us self-care is not intuitive.  It is disruptive.  Taking care of ourselves is even a bit scandalous …but it is more humane and it is possible.

    Self-Care Tip #87 – Be a rebel towards your own intuition.  Be a friend to yourself.

    Question:  What barriers are you passing to care for yourself?  What is making it possible?  Please tell me your story.