What a night. Mr. Rick C. was right. Sometimes I do sit home and medicate. It is not self-medicating, though, as I have my own prescriber. And last night I was using my self-care tools to survive: 0.25mg of alprazolam got me through the first half of the night crisis, and then 2.5mg of zolpidem got me through the rest. Despite these helpful medications, I dreamed of Timothy and Jack in the worst of circumstances. I was amazed at how many positions a coyote could hold my Labradoodle in his mouth. My eyes are still swollen red cherries and my complexion is bad.
Earl and I were not connecting. Who does when they are afraid and grieving? I simply told him,
Sorry honey. I’m no good. Can’t connect.
Earl is gentle. He responds easily to words. He doesn’t react easily to negative emotions. He is a wait-and-see kind of guy most of the time. His eyes are not red this morning. He did not medicate. He did not make this about him.
We made forty flyers describing our Great Pyrenees Jack and Labradoodle Timothy with our phone numbers and including a lucent plea for anyone to call if they saw them.
Our three kids in the mom-van, I planned to go door-to-door and harass people – I mean ask people – if they knew anything about our dogs. We first targeted our neighborhood mailboxes where there is a bulletin board for community announcements. I lifted my flyer to staple in front and center position and, “Darn-it!” My kids had broken my stapler.
While banging my stapler on the wall, I noticed another white sheet flyer.
2 White dogs found!
More tears. I called the number and blubbered. The woman was comforting me, suggesting more alprazolam and a good psychiatrist she knew. Our dogs were happily frolicking in her back yard with her two German Shepherds.
Timothy and Jack are home now figuratively and literally in the dog house. We have a dog trainer, at much expense, coming tomorrow to help us. We will also be placing an electric wire around our fence before the rest of our neighbors cement a reactive opinion about us. Although our dogs are important, we hope to live here a long long time and don’t want to be picketed out of the neighborhood.
Thank you so much everyone for your kindness, for your empathic responses and patience with your own Dr Q. It was a large blessing for my fragile self last night to know you were all there. I hope that blessing comes back to you.