From a Fellow Commentor – Her Friend Suicided

Anxiety Always

Anxiety Always (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

i woke up this morning to find out that my friend shot herself last night. she texted me, said she hoped i had a good night and said goodbye. she then walked outside and shot herself in the head.  
there are so many emotions i can’t even sort them out.  i don’t know what to feel, i can’t even cry.  why haven’t I cried?  I didn’t hear her stupid text, I didn’t know… I knew she had her demons we all do, but they convinced her to end it.  it’s so finial, so F-ing stupid!!!!!
is this how it ends for us that are so f**ked up in the head?  she wasn’t on meds, would that have even helped?  I don’t know what to think sana. last month i got a phone call from my friend who lives in Fallbrook and she had been dealing with anxiety couldn’t take it anymore, said she didn’t want to feel the anxiety anymore and tried to kill herself.  she was admitted and stayed for 4 weeks.  she’s on so many meds that she’s speaks in a monotone voice.  it’s has really scared me.  
is this how it’s going to be for all of us that deal with fear, anxiety and panic? I need to go for a walk, i feel numb. i feel so pissed off and feel bad that I’m mad. 
i’m scared
didn’t know who else to share this with that would understand
Questions:  Do you?  What do you understand?  Is this how it’s going to be for all of us?  Please tell us your story.  We need to hear.

7 thoughts on “From a Fellow Commentor – Her Friend Suicided

  1. A very, very sad post today from the person whose friend killed herself. I have been there myself with more than one friend (though in those days it wasn’t a text message but a desperate phone call and a letter that I missed). The thing is, we are not super human beings. We can’t anticipate when someone we care about is going to reach this state and try to be in contact with us. We can only do what is within our power and I am sure that this individual has reached out and been there for her friend in the past. It really is a crap shoot. Sometimes we can reach out and touch someone in a meaningful way and we were destined to be there at the precise moment that they needed us and in which we would make a difference. Other times we are not there, as much as we would want to be in a perfect world. We do the best we can and though this kind of loss is going to hurt for a long while, and to be scary if we are people who, ourselves, wrestle daily with similar demons to the ones our friend fought, it is ultra important not to beat ourselves up. It is important to find and use whatever help and support we can come up with and, as a tribute to the lost friend, to commit to trying every possible tool and technique to overcome those demons. Then we (and the person who posted the news of her friend) can go on living and striving to find some peace and joy in this world, as a tribute to the friend ot friends who were unable to do that themselves. My heart is with the individual who allowed this to be shared.

  2. You are mad for a good reason. I feel it too. You are mad becuase your friend who suicided herself believed the lie. The lie is that there is no hope. You are mad and scared because for a moment you wonder if its true. Is there no hope for those who suffer anxiety, fear and panic? Your angry becuase you dont want to believe it. Please dont believe it!! Hope will not die along with those who will not except it. Im here to tell you that there is hope for fear, anxiety, panic and unspeakable pain. I dont know what that hope looks like for you or for you i just know that it is there. Believe in it, embrace it search for it and never ever give up. Hope lives and its real and it belongs to you.

  3. No, it does not have to end this way. The feeling can pass and become less and less intense. Just wonder why the last text, Why that last touch with the living?

  4. I understand. Not only did I scare my friends and family by telling them I didn’t want to live any more, I, too, had a friend who suicided. I was dating him in high school. He was attending a Military Academy there. He never indicated that he even had a problem. We even questioned whether his hanging might have been an accident. That was well over 50 years ago and I can’t drive through the town where he lived (something we have to do each time we drive south) without tearing up a bit. No, it doesn’t have to end this way. We have much more help now than Bob did back then. We just need to hear stories like this one and remember how much pain suicide brings to family and friends. When my husband suggested that I go ahead and kill myself AFTER I called my children and explained why I was doing it, it sure brought me around in a hurry!!! And being reminded of what I would have missed – especially my granddaughter who was not anywhere in the picture back then – makes me know even more how devastating suicide is. It IS an end and none of us need go there. Hope does belong to those of us who suffer with mental illness and it helps to be reminded over and over and over again. God bless you “Fellow commentator” as you mourn and know that you are understood and loved.

  5. The Aftermath of Suicide
    Does anyone ever talk about the aftermath of suicide? Why, when I say “my friend killed herself” people visibly shrink from me? Why don’t people want to talk about it? Why is the world continuing when it should stop and grieve with me?
    I wonder what my friend who committed suicide would have thought, if she could see the grief, pain and anger that she left in her wake. What would she think when she saw two grown men sobbing while on their hands and knees scrubbing her blood off the driveway?
    I wonder what she would have thought seeing her friends cleaning the side of the car that had her blood and brains sprayed across it?
    What would she have thought seeing friends packing up her belongings, because her family was immobilized with pain? What would she think seeing her friends and loved ones walking around vacant, with such a feeling of loss, not knowing how to move forward?
    Would she have still ended it? Could she have changed her path?
    These questions plague me… but I won’t ever know… because she’s gone.

    Words cannot express how much your words and support mean to mean. Thank you.

  6. Maybe what was said here was enough. Just wish there had been some kind of follow up. It’s such a tender subject. Hope our fellow commentator is okay. Also thinking about Carl and hoping he’s okay, too. Funny how connected we become on this site.

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