Part of humility is not isolating. You have to be able to receive to be a friend. Dan Allender Ph.D. calls it suffer the kindness.
From looking at him, I didn’t guess at first that Fink was lonely, but he was. Under-appreciated, whenever Fink thought about making new friends, he remembered that he wasn’t young any more. All his “real” friendships were made when he hung-out for hours, had spares in the trunk so to speak. If one relationship didn’t develop well, he still had time and possibilities that the future offers. In this sense, Fink had been rich. He had after all that, maybe 3 friends he considered “real.” But over the last several years, with real jobs and families of their own, his real friends weren’t returning his calls. Now, he thought, he may as well as not have given them his special self. Now he was older and not so rich. Fink kept picking at that scab, even though he knew it wasn’t so masculine to be upset about your neglected special self.
At times we are lonely, but have trouble valuing the relationships being offered. We see ourselves as something set apart. This might be part of our drive to self-preserve. Bits of neurons fighting over signals in our brain telling us that we need to dominate to propagate our genes. Maybe. But there is that intersection when choice crosses.
We remember from Sebastian Seung‘s work that our memories are not stored in our genes. That gives us something tangible to work with.
I remember walking on the beach with a girlfriend when we were still in medical school. I told her, “I’m tired of feeling bad about things I never had a choice in!” It still seems wasteful to moralize things like temperament and our nature. In fact, we’ve argued the opposite at length in previous blog posts. Embrace that part of you and run with it! we said.
So what do we do with Fink? For starters, tell him that his drives are what they are. The real question is, what’s he going to do with his genetic drives? Do good things with that energy? (If we can call genetic drive an energy.) Or will he do things that aren’t so good for him. There comes the choice. Fink. Suffer the kindness. (Thanks Dan Allender!) In the end you will be happier and healthier for it. Even if you are half as hot as your genes tell you you are, who cares if you are walking the road alone.
Self-Care Tip #86 – Suffer the kindess. Be a friend to yourself.
Question: What has been a barrier in your life from connecting with others? Please tell me your story.
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- TEDTalks: Sebastian Seung: Mapping the connections inside our brains (huffingtonpost.com)
Perhaps having a short attention span and ability to focus on other humans for very long.
perhaps R.
sorry took me so long to reply to your comment! i just realized i missed replying! thank u for reading and commenting. keep on!
thank u
i am alone at the moment but heres the tihng i have a girlfirend in america my last girlfriend really hurt me and i ended up trying to kill myslef with insuline or what ever i could get my hands on the new girlfriend is in america well where firends i didnt go over in the summer like i should of i was to mutch in a black hole i can go accross in march here my problem if we dont get on or she dosent like me ive got problems yer i know we have been talking for about a year now she knows i get suisidal she has forgiven me but what happens if i go accross in march and she dosent like me in person i dont think i have the coping mecanisms to deal with that so am i better staying alone i kkow she cares quite a bit i know she would not hurt me delibritly i am really stuck on this one as mutch as i know about my slef but if i dont make a move i will lose her to we do talk nerly everyday over the phone as well any idears suggestions ?
Hey Kevin! Our perceptions are so vulnerable to the ebb and flow of soooo many influences! I’m sorry you’re struggling with these right now. I think the only way to go is to go towards it. Otherwise, what’s the point? Spend time falling in love w yourself. u r beautifully made by Love and worth dying for in Someone’s opinion. Maybe u do already. U r doing your work on your biological illnesses which is imperative to self-care and to receiving and giving love. Every day, start again. Every moment if u need to. u r in good company of other suffering souls. So many of us r with u on this. Tell us how it goes for u as we need your voice. keep on Kevin!!!
i do keep going we shall se in feburay or march i have promised this lass that im going over im just so scared of being rejected she has siad that febuary and march time is in the past she does know i have bpd but that hasnt put her off so farnow which should i do paln that it will work or plan that it wont work but well be friends that one is going to be hard
wow. that’s a hard question. i think when we are afraid, imagining the worse case senario is helpful. then we can go to the pain and desensitize ourselves to it and it doesn’t haunt us. we are more free to enjoy the journey. Do you mind checking out this post on related subject matter and let me know what you think? http://wp.me/p10lj3-mQ
thanks for commenting Kevin!