Image by jessica mullen via Flickr
Self-Care Tip #150 – Be honest about why you don’t like them. Be a friend to yourself.
Today I spent with my in-laws and my own parents: a blend of the Philippines, farm-white middle America, and Lebanese superstar. It was tense at first but was, despite my husband’s and my paranoia (based on preformed something-or-other) nice.
When I look around at my family, I see their good features all the while remembering their not-so-good bits. Depending on my state of mental health, the good is more apparent than the bad, or vice-a-versa. It depends on Me. When I am feeling confident, loved, and am doing what I like to do in life, their fabulous selves seem like the people who came to visit. Not the ones I “walked out” on X-number of times before. I’m sure it goes both ways, even if they haven’t typed it up for the world to read.
All of us do form opinions about each other. You, me, or any other connection do. We all have some level of judgment about who is holding the other side of the string.
See, I like people more when I am doing well. Is that so unbelievable? Well sometimes, yes. It is more unbelievable than we first think. It would be more believable to say, rather, that I like people more when they are nice. Or I like people more when they do good things. That is easily believable.
When we have opinions about people who are less than lovely, this little epiphany is there to help: We like others more when we like ourselves more. Introspection is useful if we know what we’re looking for. Using this handy-dandy epiphany-tool, we might be able to get inside ourselves and see that how we feel about others is about “Me.” It feels like we don’t like someone because they are a baddy. But the truth is, we aren’t feeling so good about our own selves at the time.
Inversely, we might be able to do the same for others. When they behave negatively, pull out your epiphany tool. (It comes in many colors. Mine is pink.) We can remember, “Quisas! They don’t like themselves so much now.”
What this little epiphany-tool patent banks for us is the ability to own our feelings in one more honest way. Feeling good in life starts and ends with “Me.” Isn’t that refreshing!? Ah. Sigh. Relief. At least we have a place to start and finish. Me.
My mom, sweet Mom, tucked into her car about to leave today, was swelling with joy about my melting body-fat. It was a little overwhelming for her, dear thing, and she reacted by throwing out her “gift.”
When you get to the size you want to be, I’m going to take you shopping!
I’m not going to get into all the history of my mom (whom I do love to no end) and me as it relates our “compatibility” in the arena of fashion (very little of which I naturally have) nor shopping.
I said,
Mom, just take care of yourself. You are the best gift I could ever want from you.”
And she is. This healthy part of Mom is. She, that has fought so hard all these years to be healthy, is a treasure without a number. I just want her. And I can say that because I feel pretty good right now. She’s always been a treasure, even when I didn’t appreciate her enough and wasn’t using my pink-epiphany-tool. When I think of the parts of our history that are less warm and fuzzy, I think, “That’s how things go.” And it rolls and ripples through to the space where angels fly. A place big enough for our good and bad parts.
It all starts and ends with Me.
Question: When is it hard to see your own role in how you feel? Please tell me your story.
Ah, Sunday school, 50 years ago. “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.” I don’t remember the rest of the hymn. That is enough to remember, I suppose.
Whoa. I’ve got to find that song. Thanks for commenting Carl.
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Shucks, this takes all the fun out of judging people. 😉 Just kidding about the “fun” part—hope my joking tone comes across properly to all of my new acquaintances on your blog. I may be joking, but the serious point is the same: it can be easy to judge others and overlook ourselves as the owner of our emotional connections. It took me years to even begin to realize that people are responsible for themselves—and that goes many ways. I am responsible for how I treat others or for how I am feeling when I have experienced misanthropic moments. On the other hand, I have learned not to be naive in thinking I can fix everything for everybody. I grew up as a mediator—which means at some level I took responsibility for a lot of things I didn’t need to take responsibility for. Sometimes we have to let people fix the hurts in themselves before we can do much.
nice sarah. thank u for commenting and reading. i luv that word “misanthropic.”
It’s almost scary to read Sarah’s replies because I find myself relating to her situation in almost all of her responses. I spent my childhood being the mediator (and getting hurt more often than not) and I still feel the need to fix everyone’s hurts. I find, though, that, although it is often rewarding, it is way too often way too painful for me. I read a book once called “When Helping You is Hurting Me”. Yup, and I read it and still haven’t learned.
And the song. Oh, how I have loved that song…for at least as long as Carl has! We sing it at church frequently, and, although it wasn’t sung today, it could have been after the Arizona tragedy was prayed about. I ache for those I can’t help. I wish “let it begin with me” could become not just a piece of a beautiful, poetic song but an active part of each of our lives, but, at the same time, I’d like to learn to be, like Sarah, less naive about my responsibility to fix the world…even my little part of it.
Carl’s comment has got that song in my head now. Second line: Let there be peace on earth, the peace that was meant to be…..love it.
Wonderful post, Sana. A good reminder. I regularly have to step back and remind myself that I’m in control of how I feel. It is easy to fall into the rut of blaming something/someone outside ourselves for our feelings/situation. I like the epiphany tool!
Thank u Zahara so much for reading and commenting with such personal flare. hugs.
and really glad u were digging the pink epiphany tool! 😉
I have often realized that I tend judge people who share the same qualities that I dislike about myself. Maybe because I can be so hard on myself over many of this issues, I feel the need to project that onto other people.
Ew, I don’t like that quality of myself…. ahaha
P.S. You look beautiful in your new aviator.
so true so true. that’s why self-care is such an awesome far reaching effort. u r doing it april!
ps. thank u so much! hugs