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Self-Care Tip #244 – When emotions and behaviors come without being asked by you, think about the medical reasons.
She needed to keep going, Minka felt hurt and angry. Control and failure nipped at her. She wondered what it would take for her to recognize her own success.
Minka had a child who provoked her. But worse for Minka, was not perceiving progress in their relationship. Minka was bewildered by it. But still and more so, angry. She asked me what she needed to do to be happy and feel like what she did when life was good. It reminded me of the man who came to Jesus and asked,
Teacher, what good thing must I do to have life forever? (And listed off all his good deeds.)
Just as I was thinking about this, sure enough, Minka listed off her self-care efforts, angrily as if they failed to redeem her.
Turning this around in my mind, my thoughts ran over a differential – the 3 C’s, her temperament, her biology, other medical conditions, other influencing stressors and I wondered if Minka was angry in other situations as well. (See The Biopsychosocial-How-To.)
No one really likes themselves much when they are angry. Anger is pulled through the capillaries and passed on until it colors all of us red. It is a confusing emotion; internally preoccupying. Many people don’t remember chunks of their lives during which they said things and did things in anger. It just disappeared into the white noise of the emotion. During anger-binges, people can black-out too, much like alcohol. Often times anger comes without invitation. Often times, anger is not something that will leave by invitation either.
So we know already that the 3C’s apply to this kind of anger.
I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t change and or cure it!
Minka hurriedly answered that they didn’t work for her but she had tried. It was on her self-care list apparently.
I don’t want to blame my daughter. I know I’m responsible for how I feel but I keep holding her responsible even though cognitively, I know she’s not.
That was pretty big. In my opinion, she could put that on her self-care list and check it off as well. Steller.
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Through further disclosure, I learned that Minka hadn’t enjoyed anything much lately – not only her daughter. She was irritable, edgy, felt superior to others and then kicked herself over it. Minka said she tolerated less and less of what life touched her.
I wrap those descriptors in the same nap-sack as anger and mood. They are on the affective spectrum and for Minka, it wasn’t for lack of trying hard enough, for lack of being spiritual enough (it makes some of us uncomfortable to say this), or missing a puzzle piece from her psyche. Minka was medically unable to put her anger aside and connect with her daughter. Minka’s medical condition was isolating her not only from her daughter but most other bits of life touching her. She was ill. She wasn’t choosing those emotions. Now came the job of helping Minka see that and go for help in the right direction.
Question: What is your opinion about behaviors and emotions coming without being invited or chosen? …without a “reason” for being there? Please tell me your story.
Related Articles
- Anger: Individual Variation from Exchange of Realities (exchangeofrealities.com)
- When People Avoid Anger (psychologytoday.com)
its just part of life and the way we choose to deal with them is witch makes us either good or bad take today for me i was in asda at the metrocentre if your american asda is owned by wallmart and i have been going there for quite a bit and today it was absolutly packed out i have neverr seen it so buzy the ammount of people was unreal and you know i could not cope i admint it what did i do i thought right i really cant spit my dummy out here i will look mad i just thought to myself this is normal nothing diffrent just normal i got threw my shopping and i achived something quite big to me anyway i manged to be round loads of people and stay carm insted of walking out now that took couradge when i came out you should have seen me mind i was shaking really hot scared but im still here and i feel a bit daft now that just becuase it wasnt normal i found it hard to conroll my emotions or i was crying at the till as well its a big world out there and loads of people maybee i should become part of them just that little bit more
“took courage” – that’s right mister! way! yes! we celebrate your triumphs and stand beside u during your shaking aching times as well. keep on.
I find that when I’m bothered by my behavior or emotions that there usually is a reason for them. I have to be willing to look within myself to find out what’s truly going on. Most of the time I can do this. But occasionally I either can’t, or don’t feel like trying to figure out why I’m feeling or behaving a certain way. I’ve learned to accept these times and just go with them – It is what it is and I leave it at that.
i luv that sense of presence kaily. thank u. i think we r all hoping for more moments like that. keep on.
One word: menopause 😉
snort
My anger is connected with pride but also nervousness.
So i have a great solution which is simple.
Within my life stay in my comfort zone and express my freedom through art.
It is working for me, i am more likely to be seen wearing a smile these days than a frown
i can see that art. u r so courageous to walk so humbly. blessings on your freedom trail. 😉
Anger (especiallyuncontrolled) can be very ugly and damaging not only for oneself but for others within the circle. Unfortunately, I saw this playout vivdly the other day, and the person acting out was very ugly and as much as she tried to hurt others, I think she damaged herself the most.
that is so hard to watch. it does touch us all and sometimes more. we r not impervious to emotions. thank u suzicate for sharing.
I watch myself. I’ve discovered that I become angry when something scares me or hurts me. Sometimes I experience anger when inconvenienced. Hm. What does that say? Selfishness – our inherent sinful nature. Anger interferes with our ability to act reasonably. You may be right that anger cannot be controlled by us. But not everyone’s anger is so far out of bounds as to cause harm to another. My personal anger is not that hot. By the grace of God go I.
I was scared and hurt as a young child, and probably most of us were scared and/or hurt as children. We need God. God spends our lifetime dealing with our anger. It’s probably our worst enemy, our anger. When I think I’m doing great, I find out that nothing has scared me or hurt me for a while. When it does – rrrr. I think/hope the events that trigger anger are becoming fewer and my anger becoming less pressing.
Self condemnation isn’t the answer. Forgiveness is the answer. We have been forgiven and we must somehow reach into ourselves far enough to find out who we haven’t forgiven. It may turn out to be God. Yes, sometimes we hold our disappointments against God. He may spend our lifetime showing us that He is innocent. And He IS innocent. Blessings to all of us humankind. We need it…
uplifting friend that u r carol. bring us home to God every time please. He is such a lover, patient in His love and treasures our damaged selves so. keep on lady-of-the-cross.
I think I can always find a reason for my anger. The difficulty is that there’s always an excuse but it doesn’t make it right. And as suzicate said above, it is very damaging both to yourself and others.
exceptional in my opinion cathy. reasons don’t right our capsized boat
I grew up with a father who threw croquet mallets at my husband and a card table at my sister because he wasn’t winning a game. You can imagine what else his anger issues produced. I sometimes tried to argue with him, but I always lost, and, as a result, I am so afraid of conflict that even watching it on TV often makes me cringe. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry. I do, but when I do, it comes out of nowhere and I frequently feel as if I’m watching what’s happening from outside myself and don’t know how to stop it. Yes, part of me feels that I’m right to be angry, but most of me is ashamed and terrified that I’ve “lost it”. For me, my anger outbursts are neither invited nor chosen, and, I should note that I have been married almost 45 years to a man whose voice I have NEVER heard raised…ever!…so, although he is frequently (and unfortunately) the recipient of my anger, he isn’t the one who started it with his anger. I’ve often said that having an argument with my husband is like slamming a swinging door. Not real satisfying. 🙂
nance there’s something about the cadence of your comments these days. you r sounding like your rhythm has changed and your lyrics with it. so lovely to share. thank u. keep on.
We need to take responsibility for our anger as well as our emotions and thoughts. Uninvited anger is hard to deal with. I found it best to go for a walk and figure where it came from and then forgive myself. If another person did something that made me angry I try to enfold them with love after getting a more compassionate and understanding outlook on the situation.
approaching w love is our only hope. thank u clar for this. keep on.