We are doing a narrative series on understanding where emotions and behaviors come from:
- Emotions Are Contagious – Emotions shared
- Our own Emotional Junk – Emotions hidden
- Positive Emotions and Behaviors are Contagious Too
- Our Conscious Self is Our Board and Paddle at Sea – Small conscious self and BIG unconscious self
- Biopsychosocial Model – Biological, Psychological, Social selves
- Me!
- Finalé – Me Again. Everything Starts and Ends With Me – Even Emotions and Behaviors. (Today’s post.)
We have covered in our series that emotions are contagious. We know that if we take care of our own first, we might not be as “susceptible” to negative “contagion” in turn and perhaps, be more available to giving and receiving positive “emotion-contagion.” Further, we hope that if we do this, we might be able to choose to be with people we love even if they don’t do their own self-care. We can have that connection without personalizing what isn’t about us. Sigh. That is nice, isn’t it? Then …out at sea (away from our narrative for a day,) we talked about the pleasure in engaging with what bits of biology are directly available to us and the relationship we maintain with the big expanse of our unconscious biology. We reviewed our biopsychosocial model as a tool, and then restated the simplicity in looking for and at Me to discover where emotions and behaviors come from.
Today we leave Rob and meet Iva for our Finalé.
Image by Video4net via Flickr
Self-Care Tip #272 – Look! Me Again!
Iva was crying. Things could not go on as they were. It must stop! The tension and recurring emotional crisis’ between her and her daughter were cancerous to her family.
Iva was trying. She’d come a long long way. On antidepressants now, exercising three to five times a week, down twenty pounds and into her honey-moon clothes from many many years ago. She felt so much better about herself. She was no longer yelling at every stressor, she felt pleasure again and liked being with her kids, including her daughter… when her daughter wasn’t throwing fits. However, her daughter was “fits-ing” one to three times a day still. Iva felt like she had lost control as a parent and gave a lot of blame to her little girl. This is why Iva came in. Something wasn’t right about that. It was evading her, however, what that something was.
To be clear, “little” in this case meant four years old. Four years old and they could hardly be with each other. Iva trembled thinking about the teen years ahead. Iva wondered how a four-year old could drum up so much drama and wield so much power.
Why didn’t she listen? Why did her daughter make her resort to spanking and punishments to get obedience? Why did she whine all the time?
Crying again, Iva was still able to break this down as to where her emotions and behaviors were coming from and specifically keep it about “Me.” That was our job as we crunched this together.
Emotions shared – Iva had negative emotions that her four-year old was susceptible to?
Emotions hidden – Iva hadn’t gone towards her own something or other? Maybe she didn’t even realize the negative emotions she felt toward her daughter in the first place to go towards them and see what was there.
small conscious self and BIG unconscious self – Iva had an opportunity to play, work, know and own this little portion of what made her who she was. The BIG unconscious self she was doing well taking care of with her basic needs – time with her Higher Power, medication compliant, exercise, sleep, diet, water and so on.
Biological, Psychological, Social selves – (A whole bunch of stuff you’ll have to read the previous blog-posts on! Awesome paradigm.)
And then, finally, Me. In the space between her and her daughter, Iva had forgotten that it was about Me. Iva was putting a lot of blame on her little girl. That’s a lot of pressure for a child to shoulder. It is not appropriate for a parent to shame her child this way. This isn’t a moral statement unless we make it one. It just is. It-is-not-appropriate. That’s all. Iva circled back around and saw herself there. Her Me.
Iva left thinking things were looking up.
Questions: Even in your most difficult relationships, how do you own your emotions and behaviors? Or is there a reason for them outside of yourself? Please tell me your story.
Related articles
- Tips for Talking With Your Daughter (teens.webmd.com)
- Get Your Butter Knife Out and Spread Your Biopsychosocial Self Together (friendtoyourself.com)
- Robert Pagliarini: Don’t Let Bad Friends Drag You Down (huffingtonpost.com)
- Anger – Sometimes There Doesn’t Have to Be A Reason (friendtoyourself.com)
Some of the related articles generated here are very interesting!
yes. i liked that one on teens esp.
We are so ridden by emotions we usually don’t realize they seep through and are outside ourselves and flavor the emotions of others. I have to learn that they affect others as well as me and have to learn ways to restrain or embrace them. I do this by owning them. I am being hit by some real gonna knock me down curve balls. I am careful to control my mood and expressions so others will not become concerned and affected. They don’t even have to know and I don’t want pity. I own the problem. I own the way I handle it. I own the resolution and closure. Its on me. I’ll have to invent my own vitamins too. It’s called self sufficiency. This is not to be exclusive of the “we” of our lives but acceptance that there exists “me only” stuff. I am not interested in owning your battle and I do not expect you to fight mine for me. Sometimes it is appropriate to co-manage, however, like in a marriage. Strength in numbers thing. On the other hand, if there are good and wonderful things happening, lavish them on others as freely as you can.
u r getting hit w knock u down curve balls right now carl?
“This is not to be exclusive of the “we” of our lives but acceptance that there exists “me only” stuff.” so in the space of “we,” know we care about u and stand w u as best we can. keep us posted.
I own my behavior, however my emotions still seem to own me…perspective has helped me keep them in check though…one step at a time, one day at a time.
i like that suzi. thank u for sharing. one step, 2 step… 🙂 oops! i’m on my face again 😉
Lol. happens to me all the time…but I get back up and take another step!
Thx suzi. I will the of u.
I haven’t found Me yet, but I am working on it. Right now I am riddled with mixed feelings about my kids because they are young pulling away from me, and I don’t even have the pleasure to see them not even once a year. Sometimes I blame them, sometimes myself. Right now I am in a tug-of-war because I don’t know what is best for my mental health or for my kids… it is rough being a parent.
that sounds very difficult to untangle. blame is rough too. how do u see blame in the context of u being your own friend? keep us posted.
If I am my own friend, instead of blame I should have radical acceptance. I can find Me when I practice ‘healthy choices’ to maintain good Mental Health. It is when I enter the kids into the equation that I ask myself ‘what went wrong’, like throwing a wrench in side the engine… I’ve heard of growing pain, but when do the stop! (wink).
i see the depth, layers and complicated weave of your condition. how difficult for u marie. i guess the question is how do u continue to b your own friend even in this impossible situation? keep us posted.
One day at a time… that’s all the time we have folks! LOL
:). Yabba dabba doo
Sometimes a day is so overwhelming, breaking it down into hours is more manageable!
Good one J!
Thx Jasmine… 🙂
I am totally obsessed with this whole series right now… And also Meyers-Briggs typologies. The past two days I have been making conscious choices to own my INFJ-ness, even down to how I am dressing myself. But the biggest key has been finally understanding what you mean about not moralizing (hearing you speak in person about that gave me the nuances I was missing—the quality in your spoken voice adds layers to the message you deliver). Basically, you are advocating a system whereby, if we own ourselves, we can let go of owning others and co-exist peacefully with people in this life.
oh sarah. i feel so honored to b a part of what enthralls u! thank u for restating this in one more way for all of our unique ears to hear – “if we own ourselves, we can let go of owning others and co-exist peacefully with people in this life.”
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When my husband seems stressed or distracted (it turns out that it’s about his stressful job), I ask him if he’s mad at me. Then he will tell me no and that not everything is about me. Then I reply, of course it is.
Then he will say that it has nothing to do with me. And I will say, why not? lol
Emotions truly are contagious. When my husband would be stressed, then I would get stressed out, which would stress him out even more.
But that can be a positive thing too. Now that I do take better care of Me, I have the strength to be calm for my own sake and sneeze my emotions onto him. lol
Hugs and Blessings! Jasmine Wilmany
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U r so funny jasmine! Hachoo! Laughing! I luv your story. Thx for sharing.
That was brilliant. What an imagination. Hugs. Marie.
ISTJ. Me. I’ll have to inspect this some more.
I am not sold