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If you’ve argued, here’s what I want to ask you today:
Are you getting what you want?
That argument we had, knowing the pristine rightness of our position, knowing we have taken the fall so many times for reasons as loaded, knowing we’ve been disadvantaged, our pearls were trampled and we knew and we argued because we thought we finally should. Was it friendly to Me? Choosing to argue. (There we’ve already passed up the victim role and claimed accountability for the argument. We chose it.)
The question is what is most friendly to Me? To be right? Hm. What will we do with the rightness? Sleep with it at night? Will it clean our house? Will we get anything for it? Will it take us on vacation? What ever the argument was about.
Most of us think we are right. Now what?
Ellen had argued. Not aggressively. There was no volume or matter flying about. It was short but potent. A bit nuclear if you must know. She was so in the right. If she were a tooth, she’d be the brightest whitest one in the mouth. Pearly white. An incisor perhaps. She gained ground but lost her goal. Now, neither of them got what they wanted. They just got what any one gets when they argue. Lonely.
Mass General put out a great guideline to conflict resolution I’ve reference below if you want to peruse …or tattoo it to your arm.
Basically, if you want to get something, let the other person save face. You ain’t getting much by being right. Think about what is friendly to yourself and remember that friendly is not what is easy, natural or desired many times. It is what improves you and gets you what you really want in the big picture.
If you can’t do this even though you are deliberately trying, it may be that it is a symptom of brain illness and needs medical care.
So how am I doing in our argument? Smile. Are you getting what you want? Have you ever been mid-stride argument and been able to change the direction of your projection? Have you ever been able to stop yourself once you started and chose to be friendly with yourself rather than just right? How? Please tell me your story.
Self-Care Tip: You guessed it. Let him save face.
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It’s not always easy to do, Doc.
true that
Love the picture: Now that’s a real “Miami” hurricane !
laughing. your kind of demonstration
Sometimes enough is enough and you just have to go for the kill. I’ve learned that more pain is inflicted by verbal disection with surgical precision than by yelling. And, admittedly, at times, infliction of maximum pain is my ultimate goal, and it feels really good. But the cost is high-usually the loss of any future contact with that person. And this may be a good thing for me depending on the person.
But on the other hand, you yell and scream and prove you’re right, and then what? Did you get what you want? Did you destroy or at least make a relationship awkward? I’ve learned that it’s friendlier to myself to approach things calmly, without placing blame, but being clear about what my desired outcome is. I don’t get my stress level or blood pressure up, I’m able to keep emotions from leading me into irrational decisions, and it’s more likely the other party will be cooperative as they aren’t feeling attacked or blamed. Therefore I get what I want and everyone is happy.
people out there, believe this girl. she speaks truth! say it!
I am bad at saving their faces, it is of not consequence to me. It is more important to me to win at all cost. It doesn’t take me anywhere, just the satisfaction of having won. It is childish, but as a child I never won anything because I was belittled more times that it was fair by adults and other peers. I should be able to change that bad habit, but I have become very good a winning… with a poisonous smile on my face.
had to smile w “saving their faces.” u have some incisors too? ah well. u have so much luv and maturity as well marie. i don’t know what others know of u than what u share here w us – but! the marie we know is compassionate, courageous, tenacious, working her but off type of girl to b accountable for herself. work it lady.
You’re right. “let him save face”. Most of my arguments are because my feelings got hurt.
I’ll try to have a thicker skin and be the first to apologize.
Thanks for this post.
thank u clar. u r eloquent in your dot-to-dot’s. let us know how it goes if u will?
I really don’t enjoy arguing and so have done as you suggest and let others save face at times. Then, I’ve later kicked myself because it was “settling”. It just depends…
hello tammy :)! i’m smiling to see u here w us again today. thank u so much for connecting. i hear your ambivalence and believe that is just what we all have that keeps us talking over these “classic” but all too personal quandaries.
tell us though, when u say, “it just depends,” were u referring to what is friendly to yourself or to what u want to do at the time of argument?
That tattoo sounds like a great idea, Doc 🙂
tee hee. i am just sayin’!
Pingback: Let Him "Save Face" Because it is Friendly To Yourself | Kids say :
I don’t like arguments! I do my best to avoid them. They seem like a waste of time. When I feel strongly about something I state my case and leave it at that. I am fine with agreeing to
disagree. http://patriciawonders.wordpress.com/2011/0
7/14/keep-your-head-in-all-situations/
this was a really lovely post patricia u linked me too. many thanks friend! yes, trust in God. hugs