When I was a just a bit, dirty feet and pig-tails, spending the summer on my grandparents farm with my three similarly dirty big brothers, we took grandpa’s two green John Deer out for a drive. We all delighted in the enormous strength in those beasts. The tires were taller than me, which meant nothing but fun at the time. I never thought about falling out, but I could have.
I rode with one brother and the other two were up ahead. We were toward pasture and hoped for a long run of it. The boys were yelling at each other, provoking and jocular. I was, as usual, amazed at my luck to have them for my own.
Somewhere before we lost interest and after we lost sense, the boys ahead hit mud. My goodness, but we, coming up from behind hollered laughter. Jeering, we watched them whiz those monster tires deeper and deeper. Oh the tears! right up until we followed them into our own mud-sink. Humiliating.
My grandpa farmed corn and hay and some other grains but all I remember about that field is that the ground was really wet beneath tall grass. The green came up almost to the middle of the tractors and the blades were wide and thick. We got to business pulling grass out and feeding it to the muddy tires, thinking to build traction. About an hour later and after the grass had taught our hands a lesson, we tramped back to the barn-house. Nothing to do but tell Grandpa.
That was the last day of our vacation and we heard later that he had pulled them out with his truck, gracious as ever. Grandpa Jack was such a kind and gentle man.
I remember the grass when I’m with Eilene. She is my patient with moderately treated mood and anxiety disease. The rest of her though is not well. Eilene is pulling grass to help her move. The best I can do is stand beside her.
I wonder what I’m missing in my life now. Where am I stuck? When will I get over to the barn house to surrender?
And you? Please tell us your story.
Self-Care Tip – Surrender to help. Be a friend to yourself.
This is quite well written. There are so many phrases and constructions in here that I enjoyed so much, that I feel compelled to make a special comment about it. A blend of the descriptive mode with analogies—that’s your thing!
hey stranger! yes! thanks for speaking out. i luv your comments
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Seems like Grampa had a lot of wisdom of which most of us will never conceive. In just a few words I know all about him now. He understood the fields which can be a microcosm of the universe.
he was kind. never saw him angry.
What a great, fun story! I can see it as a Norman Rockwell painting…but you would have to have been in New England. 🙂
“Where am I stuck?” is a good question but I’d begin the next one as “How do I get….?” rather than “When….?” In my case, right now, my question would be “How do I back away from things – and people – that I love but that are causing me to get worse, rather than better, in my healing process?” How do I say “No” – especially when, like you and your brothers, I’m having fun but the “fun” is causing me to become mired in mud that I can’t get myself out of. How do I admit that all of this is too much for me…admit it to them but, more especially, admit it to myself?
Yes, a Rockwell. Perfect choice. I’ll send him an email this evening.
Ummm……Carl…?
silly. now kids…
u said it, friend.
Nice story. Where I’m stuck is in my worrying, I guess. When something isn’t working, I guess we need to try something else. I certainly do. I obsess over things that worry me all day, which is as pointless as pulling grass, and I need to forget it and get on with my day. Most of my worries are over nothing anyway.
Pulling grass is pointless? OMG Maybe I’ll switch to counting stars. Thanks for the shout out on this.
w both of u on that. i haven’t needed a lawnmower in years
aint that the truth
I could really visualize this…good post!
thx M. what did u see? 😉
Hi Doc. Love the story & the writing–the best I’ve read from you yet! I’m stuck in a very fundamental place. On my body, it feels like I’m stuck on the lower abdomen and pelvic region, which, if I remember correctly, is the first chakra, basic survival, trust, real early developmental-level stuff (all that is helpful for description and metaphor, even if I don’t buy the concepts 100%). Truth is, even when I feel myself getting better, I fight myself and pin myself down so I can’t move. I’m just so afraid to trust, life or other people, and a big part of my wants to stay paralyzed, stuck. I know all kinds of ways to begin to move out, but I don’t want them. The fear and self-loathing are too strong right now.
Thank u sooo much for that keen feedback. Whoop!
I am also really glad u r talking about this difficulty of self-sabotage because we alllllll do it n tire of it. I even remember ?Paul saying somewhere in frustration bout warring gainst himself. Wondering if other readers might tell us how it goes for them. Keep talking