Mother’s-day, naturally full of shame unless we are able to be a friend to yourself, present with the bad in Me even if reluctantly.
Question: What is a barrier to you becoming a friend to yourself? What role does shame play? Please tell me your story.
Self-Care Tip: Get friendly with your shame.
I think that the biggest barrier for me being my own best friend is the feeling of not measuring up. So I put more and more pressure on myself to the point I can’t handle the stress.
hello heidi. i’ve felt that too. thank u for speaking out about it. not measuring up is a distortion we share. keep on.
The 12 Steps and Big Book says you have to learn to forgive yourself. I may try to be a friend to myself but I don’t think we have the authority to play God. I do try now never to be the cause of anyone’s misfortune but forgive myself ?
to try to never be the cause of another persons misfortune. oh carl you are a man of character. thank you for reminding me!
lovely echoing tune.
forgiving myself – makes what others do less magically dark. awsome.
oh, sana this is awesome. forgiving myself – makes what others do less magically dark. i love this.
thanks col. i like the words too. if an example of how this has played out, let us know. hugs
get friendly with your shame. GOOD ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it reminds me of when my soul coach asked me what good came out of the sexual abuse throughout my childhood. i have to say that one stopped me ever so briefly and i said i learned how to astro travel (if i could just remember where i went!) also, i learned self preservation skills (again without realizing it). i learned that i wanted to me more than the sum of the abuse and that i was not the abuse.
shame. i hate shame. i hate seeing anyone use shame. shame is the ties that bind and gag us. shame is what someone else puts on us, it is not us, it is the views of others that we have adopted as our own, we have allowed someone else’s beliefs about who and what we are and our behaviour to become our truth. ITS NOT OUR TRUTH! ITS THEIR TRUTH, its what they believe from their own self concept of their world around them. and shame is used like a profound tool to control us and get us to do what they want because they are incapable of speaking the truth or seeing the truth and are unwilling to take personal responsibility so shame is used to make themselves feel better. it is when we are told we are not good enough when we were plenty and perfect and they just couldn’t see it.
i refuse shame in my life. i still have moments of shame and i am learning more and more that in those moments to be loving to myself and caring. to be gentle and soft like i would be for one of my children.
i do not carry any shame about being a mother. i worked very hard to become a good mother and i have made my mistakes but if there is anything that i know for sure is that i am a good mother for my children. not always on my best each day but over all, my children know that they are loved and cared for that they have value as human beings and i believe in them 100 percent. they are free thinking, self caring, wonders who i love to be around and i am blessed that they like being around me. if i ever did anything right in this world, it was mothering my children and when it was time for them to go as 2 have done off they went and i wished them well and watched them leave. THANKFULLY I HAVE ONE MORE! : )
tomorrow we are on the ball field again with our son and i share mothers day with my husband and his birthday, in the glorious sun, surrounded by the mountains and the ocean and all of the gloriousness that is spring.
the world is lovely today. i love you sana. happy mother’s day
col
ps i am finding my big voice. sounds good huh!
thank u for your love col. i love u too! this package of events described is believable which offers connection and hope to the rest of us. keep on.
I’d like to go out on a limb and offer that the instinct to feel shame (provided that shame doesn’t become our dominant feeling and take over our lives) is a good one. Perhaps it is an evolved trait that enables our cooperation with others. It is also the prick that tells us right from wrong…but at the same time, we have to be able to move on from it after we’ve taken responsibility for it. I’d hate to live in a world where no one felt shame, which would be a scary place indeed.
So maybe getting friendly with shame is a matter of assigning it a fruitful role but also giving it boundaries in its effect on us? There are many ways to give it boundaries, some of which you’ve explained on this blog!
Regardless, I hope you had a good Mother’s Day. We all make mistakes as parents—it’s part of the role—but we have to keep our focus on all that we are doing right.
u r a rebel sarah! swallow shame like a shot of wheat grass. mmm. :). nice though. i can hear your sense. it just “is” sometimes. sigh. such relief in that. thank u friend. hugs
I made it through yesterday, and stepped out and also got myself out of a crisis. I spent yesterday taking a long walk in a park where I would go, and think, as well as spent some time contemplating graduation milestones. Being a single on mother’s day can be hard especially with people graduating on mother’s day weekend. Somebody did wish me a “Happy Aunt’s Day” as I left church in the evening last night. So I slept well last night, and ended up having a good day being a fried to myself.
sounds like skipping over crocodiles! that’s how it is sometimes and i celebrate your fortune w u heidi.
Nothing profound to add – just belated best wishes to all. (Mother’s Day comes earlier in Europe.)
thank u friend. your presence offers such a hunk of shoulder to me. i’m glad u r here.
This is a Reply from “Marie”
“Shame”
As the boulder weight of “Shame” is carried by so many, for too long. Sometimes even without any valid reason; except the emotional/ thinking and thoughts of the carrier. It can be about a specific time or event or a list of self-blaming items.
The self worth is minimized as time entails.
The faults; the weakness; the mistakes; the demeaning self talk is a battle against productive reasoning.
The forgiveness of the mistakes of the action; words; or lack of them..can be accomplished through a hope; gained thru the acceptance of faulty miss doings.
To gain the victory through taken steps in a positive direction. To overcome the adversity of destructive reasoning; thru finding a love towards self and others. If the listed item of shame; is a guilt carried affecting another, and if it is possible to write a letter or call that person to speak about the incident, then try.
To obtain that forgiveness from another is also, very important to the healing, for all involved. If..it is not possible; then you still need to forgive yourself, through that much needed acceptance.
Shame is a form of a burning fire; that is not stopped; until the carrier puts it out themself.
Do not live in the past; move towards the future; in your decision in living life.
-Katherine Marie
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