I just wrote a letter on stationery that my girlfriend from college/med school gave me. The stationery and I feel outdated by name, address, age, and in part because she no longer considers me her friend. The stationery reads: Sana Johnson MD and the envelope is embossed with my address from 1994. And if that’s not a knock in the old lady knees, what is?!

Today, life had several disappointments. My emotional response has been salient and I’m still letting it dissipate.

I missed my talk therapy. I then rescheduled two other much-anticipated medical appointments due to my chaos. Inattention and brain noise took a hold and I forgot a very expensive box of Costco purchases in the shopping cart where I parked. And …and I am ever aware of the heart pain that various communities are experiencing.

Lately I’ve been enjoying the concept of God’s omnibenevolence and omnipresence, His unique godly capacity to adore and remain with each person, and that none suffer alone. I’ve been waxing on and on about it in Bible studies, car rides with entrapped passengers, in treatment with the super kind-hearted physical therapist, even with my own patients! I’ve related it to genocided populations, war, victims of predators, and even surviving parents of lost children. I’m an external processor, so this is how I make things adjust, shimmy, and hopefully finally make some sense to me.

Trying it on for size, I, while praying myself back to Costco in herky-jerky hopes, think God reminded me that even in this-and-that small griefs and tensions, do not go at it alone. He stayed and suffered as I was going nuts-o. It was a slug in my spiritual gut.

I am so inconsistent. But today to a degree I snuggled a little more into His grace and mercy.

Sure enough, someone inspired by Spirit returned my costly merch! I suffered, God was with me in my suffering, I did not suffer alone. And on another topic, I materially received what I didn’t deserve, recovered merch, and did not receive what I did deserve, unrecovered merch. I know, however, that if I didn’t materially get my purchases back, the prior points would not be less true. They are not the same topic nor do they relate to each other except in the subject matter of Me.

The unseen and unknown space was an environment I didn’t feel belted or safe in, but God stayed. I praise Him.

I used this stationery to also remind me that God suffers when I do and love remains, whether I remain with Him or not.

My friend was my heart friend for years, but we lost touch and for reasons of which I can only speculate, has since chosen not to respond. I’ve tried reconnecting. It’s a deep grief for me.

I am today reminded more personally that God suffers with me and I am not alone. I will always miss her, but surrender our friendship into God’s care, like a wisp of God’s breath that gives life, and release what I don’t control.

Today it hit me that if I don’t remember these goodnesses of God even in these things, how will I if/when catastrophe truly grounds my trajectory?

Self-care tip:
When you suffer, remember that you do not alone.

Question:
Does this make any sense to any of you? Speak—we need to hear you!