I write to you so many times “in my mind,” which makes me a great writer! Wink. But even there, I am grateful to have you to write to.
I just got done watching, Fault in Our Stars, with our local hospice team and, oh my word! I had to breathe through it. I was terrified I would lose it several times there. Not being one of those damsels who cries pretty, I was seriously grateful to be sitting in darkness.
So where have I been? Trying to figure out this friend to yourself thing. Still.
I had one of my favorite discussions with a patient the other day on where and why good comes out of bad. Do I love this conversation because it is about an epic force, an energy and a Truth that wins and kicks bad stuff, like, fungus armpits, dead children, divorce, broken friendships, finding yourself alone in a huge space, depression and a brain that you’d rather not be living? Do I love this discussion because I feel so freaking right? I do. Do l love it because I need to participate in it one more time, now, and now?
I’m hoping I’m not right though. I’m pretty sure that even these eyes see dimly and the Truth is even better. I’ve been told I don’t know it all.
The chat goes something like this,
(Context is status post some real, personal, bleak disclosure. I’m facing them, and sometimes they look at me. I sit in an erect chair with a lap desk and laptop computer between us. Just enough. Sometimes my service dog, Timothy is present.
One of us inevitably brings up a curving effort toward hope. Maybe,)
…Love is stronger.
But I don’t know if there is a question mark or a period at the end. It sits there in the room with us, like it is a squirrel scratching at its whiskers. It can go in different directions.
Where would it go for you?
Does Love bring good out of bad as if it needs the bad, like dirt around its roots? Does Love turn the bad into fertilizer, and grow into some apple tree? We know Love is stronger than bad. We know Love wins. But we think, do I have to be loved like this?! Rather not.
Tevye, the milkman in Fiddler on The Roof, said this view well,
[to God] I know, I know. We are Your chosen people. But, once in a while, can’t You choose someone else?
That is a pretty rough idea of Love.
Love is and Love brings good out of us in any context because where Love is, there it is. Think about presence. Honest self-awareness. When you found it was more important to still be able to walk than care if your t-shirt was inside out. Love is more true than that. It is more true than looking into her eyes, than hot water over skin. Love is.
As Green says in the voice of Hazel Grace, “I hope this enough for you. This is your life. And I love you.”
Question: What is stronger in your life? Why? What happened to disclose such honesty? Please tell us your story.
Self-Care Tip: Love wins, even for you. Keep on.
Sending a message to the hope out there, to the love I know exists, to the friend who knows me, the place I can always call part home, part critique, part play-fellow, counselor, walking stick. Hello.