She is worth it!
Have you said that? Half crazed from this-way-that-way behaviors, your battered psyche crawls out of the smoking heap from your most recent relationship collision. There are times when this is absurd to continue. But have you ever seen those people who crawl out smiling? Sure their eyes are rolling around on their face but they are smiling. That might be you too. And there’s a reason for it. However the reason may not be what you think.
She is worth it!
I’m not disputing “her” value in this admirable exchange that takes all your energy. But what I do dust off from the good “encounter” we just spoke of is that although she may be worth it, I propose that isn’t the reason you think it is. The reason is you.
You find pleasure in it because of what it does for you. You think you are worth it, and you are.
Even the Bible says,
We love because He loved me first. 1 John 4: 19
We love because of what it does for Me. God isn’t surprised by that or looking down His nose at our motivation. It sounds like He is actually embracing it – fully consented.
Remember when we talked about inevitable selfish motives, secondary gain and the absence of altruism in us? Is that an ugly thing about us? I don’t think so. It is what it is.
Now this does not evaporate the connection, the realness of the exchange between two, the value of the bond or its quality. See blog-post, Things Will Always Be About “Me.” It does nothing else but discuss the motivation. I believe understanding our motivation to remain in a relationship is important not to devalue it or value it differently, but to help us take care of our own selves.
She is worth it. That isn’t the question.
What can go wrong in our self-friendship when we think we are motivated by reasons outside of what is in it for Me? What do you think? I think it distracts us. It’s wasted energy and we don’t have enough to waste. Getting it right, puts energy into us. Getting it wrong, takes energy away.
Yesterday we talked about wanting to connect with someone who has character pathology. Any of us can say that this is hugely energy depleting at times. If we think we are doing this for any other reason than for ourselves, we will get “burned” much more often than we might if we understand that we choose, consented, freely and for ourselves. We will wear the victim-crown and die the death of worn out do-gooders who lived to do nothing really but bemoan their special suffering existence. See blog-post, Please Don’t Say “But.”
Self-Care Tip – Do things for yourself with self-knowledge.
I recently decided to disengage from someone who was draining me. I do still worry about her, but I realise that sometimes people define themselves by their pathology and don’t want to release it and take the road of healing.
i know how that feels. keep us posted if u need us. keep on.
Ah that is the crux of it..we do it for us but may cover it up and not accept or realize it. Which really does take us back to knowing ourselves!
thank u chris for letting me know we connected on this! that is a mountain peak in my experiences. keep on.
I was recently introduced to a highly toxic person. I have chosen to walk away from this person. There are some people who don’t choose to help themselves but want others to sympathize them and take care of them. I don’t have that kind of energy, nor obligation, to take care of such negativity of a total stranger. Maybe, I’m horrible because of it, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my peace of the moment. I am in a comfortable place and I don’t want to be dragged down by a mere acquaintance…now if it was someone I dearly loved, I’d feel it my obligation to listen and my desire to help if the help was wanted. So yes, this is one of those times I am being selfish…and it’s not because I’m not getting anything from it (on the contrary, I’ve gotten great satisfaction in helping others)…this time it seems quite risky, multiple emotional problems…needs a doctor and medication and I have no expertise in these matters…person has a doctor so I am not getting involved.
wow suzicate. what an experience to relate w us. u r selfish in all the right ways my friend. keep on.