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Believe and pursue Magic.
Eternity frightens me. When I go to see what stone is in my shoe, that fear, I find the absence of lines. I am afraid of living without boundaries, without the beginnings and endings that bring so much quality to our suffering lives.
Time is a line that comforts me. It gives form to my experiences. However, to give eternity a “go” means to, in this dimension, allow myself that a (possibly) vacuous shapeless Me will still be a Me that I can live with. It is to believe and pursue Magic.
Today while reading The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak, I tensed over the beauty of it. What a mastery of language the author had. How I wish to have enough time to carve a work like that out of my life. But the awareness of what I have done, what I have already chosen to spend my life on, scolds me. My thoughts are slower than they were. I am half used up. My time is parceled and I know that if it happens, it won’t be enough to satisfy me. My container will seal closed.
מנא ,מנא, תקל, ופרסין
Mene, Mene, Tekel u-Pharsin
– Daniel at Belshazzar’s Feast
I never watched much TV but I remember a commercial about Tupperware. The lid coming down on it and the corner lifting just enough to burp out the last bit of air, sealing it’s freshness. I feel a lid closing.
My daughter, six years old has taken to grabbing my head and pressing my ear against her chest.
What do you hear, Mommy?
Spoiled by medicine, I stupidly answer,
Now my turn, she says.
I feel the pressure as she tries to hear.
Do you know what Love does? Our lives are that something-of-value enclosed in plastic Tupperware – or Time you could say.
Our “Me,” surrounded by what seems to us undegradable Time, like plastic, comes down in waves of sunlight. Layering us. Containing us the moment we are conceived. We walk the line of life toward the inevitable.
A Toad, can die of Light –
Death is the Common Right
Of Toads and Men –
Of Earl and Midge
The privilege –
Why swagger, then?
The Gnat’s supremacy is large as Thine –
But my daughter is teaching me that all that I know, my perceived reality, is just happening inside that Tupperware. And because of Love, this other “inevitable” becomes apparent. Me connected to Love with no lines. Magic.
Suddenly time folds and I am a little girl myself, riding bike like this,
Look! No hands!
Love is Time-corrosive, I’ve come to understand. The particles lift off of me and I am in that space that I started out by saying I feared.
The sound my daughter is looking for is the sound of Love. Something that is stronger than what separates us. And although it scares me still, I can now believe and pursue Magic. I know I can trust that even without Time, the Me that brings me pleasure in part because of the boundaries that contain it, will bring me pleasure even when Time is gone. I can trust Love. Intentionally being held by Love, I can say with more confidence than before to my girl, I will never leave you. Because of Love.
My ear against my daughter’s drumming heart, I answered,
I-love-you, I-love-you, –
…Finally. Took you long enough. – She didn’t say it. She’s too good of a teacher to have to.
I’m less afraid. And I like myself better believing in magic. And I’m less hurried.
Question: What would connect you if there were no Time? How does that affect your friendship with yourself? Please tell me your story.
Self-Care: Believe and pursue Magic.