Feeling Afraid

Celine was made to fidget by something moving inside her.  It tooled with her body while working her over.

I’m afraid.

Rich.  We are all afraid.  Knowing it and naming it is more than many of us have the spit to do.  But not being named doesn’t make us more courageous.

I am afraid.

Celine wanted help and as her perception grew of what she was looking for, she knew.  It was fast.  Awareness appeared in progressive pictures into her own flip book.

Remember those flip books when we were kids like, Mickey Mouse tapping his foot as the pages sped by, leaning over to kiss Minnie?  Celine’s flip book showed her that she felt unappreciated at work.  She resented her authorities, lack of control and felt ashamed that she wasn’t acknowledged.  Scenes in her life gave her the illusion of movement toward more than just danger though.

Being in fear is not in itself wrong or amoral.  Sure as yams are sweet, it’s going to happen.  We all have fear.  Feeling afraid doesn’t mean that we are bad.  It doesn’t confirm the accusation or shame.  It doesn’t close on us.  It just is.  Fear.  Celine’s illusion was that she was moving toward being the wrongness, being amoral, and being especially bad.

Ironically, Celine found some comfort in this and decompressed.

The medical reasons behind fear are of all varieties and certainly important, but this post isn’t about those.  It’s about our flip books.  Lick thumb and finger and let’s see what pictures we’ve sequenced into our own illusions. We all have a book.  We all have fear.

Question:  What does looking at your flip book do for your sense of value?  Please speak.

Self-Care Tip:  Remember what makes “Me” special by being present with fear.

12 thoughts on “Feeling Afraid

  1. My flip book used to be a jumble of fear and anxiety. Three decades ago I would sit in a business meeting with a panic attack of epic proportion my flip book (read in my head) would have me stand up screaming like a banshee and running out the door. Problem, I was at the front of the room and would have to run past about 100 people to get there. It was a multi-leveled phenomena of fear. Had lots of those. FEAR FEAR FEAR. ANXIETY AND FEAR TOGETHER. With no idea what would trigger it and where it would come from lurking along. Flip to now (no pun intended!) and now I do have fear but its a little f and its infrequent and looks very different and it is far more subtle. I have to look for fear and see it in the smallest ways.

    I am learning that fear produces my ego. I have learned (for me) that ego is my protective mechanism, when ego rears her head and is vocal (fear) something has triggered it and I can feel it or feel a “pull”. So I look at the experiences around me or my thought process and try to figure out what it was and we go to God and lay it in His hands. Through processes I am learning to lovingly embrace Ego and hold her close. Ego for me Fear in other words kept me alive and sane through some pretty horrific experiences. She did what she could when she could when we were little, she created coping mechanisms for the fear to keep us alive and whole and not shattered. I love my fear and Ego it tells me I am alive and I can learn to be loving and playful instead of buying into it all. It has taken me 3 decades to get to this place.

    That is why I loved the blog on time and I didn’t include in my reply the following. Time allows us to get to this place or whatever place we would hope or like to get to. But in the middle of our fear and pain we want out now. So your playful comments on time and us beginning to learn and understand a bit about time and direction etc. past and future help to build hope. That is why I put that quote about God and time. I always found that it gave me hope.

    I loved flip books when I was a kid. They are magic. Or when you pick up a book and someone has doodled a flip book on the margins.

    The other thing that has been revealed to me through the Christmas season is this. My story is changing ever changing. I am easing into God’s story for me, instead of my story for me. So I have a series of flip books I have created. Now I am going to sit before God with an empty book and allow Him to fill the pages. Should be interesting to see what that book looks like!

    Love you Sana
    Col

  2. One last thing as I reread (should have done that before I posted) its not only my story, but more importantly the stories of others about me that I find the most insidious. Because I adopt them for myself not knowing better! The flip books others have created in which I have read their stories about me or my or any experience for that matter and believe them because I don’t have a sense of myself or my own mind or belief in the experience (which some say is all an illusion anyways).

    Sana you pose the best questions!

  3. Wow!! Three posts this fast!! I’m so glad to have this support system back. Thank you. Thank you.

    My flip book: Close friend dying suddenly, fear of losing my husband, fear of death (his and mine), sadness for things my kids are dealing with, memories of many years gone by and fear of not being able to remember. Flipping through 71 years of my life hunting for something that will end the fear that has been this past month and a half. Fearing that I’m going to fall into the abyss of depression again. Terror about maybe needing the meds I don’t want to ever take again.

    Flipping and values? Just praying………………

  4. Never heard it but “flip book” is a meaningful term to understand ourselves like the self examination and self inventory in the 12 Steps, right ? But the 12 Steps imply that fear is a character defect and demonstrates a like of faith. I don’t buy that.

  5. I am sad today. We just sold two family properties that were held for 70 years and 43 years. I know they are just “property” but that does not help. My daughter told me that our energy has passed through them and will continue on. That helps.
    My flip book has been overloaded by images of my time spent there alone and with others.

    Would you consider on writing about humans and their bond to the land?

    M

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