Family

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He Asked God to End His Life

A woman peering out of a partially opened window with colorful curtains, surrounded by wooden shutters.

Yesterday, we left Cherry coming out of her depression, only to discover that getting well herself didn’t mean that everything around her had healed, especially her relationships with her children.In all personal relationships, I look at healing to come in the way of “Five Simple Steps.” And I put “simple” in there to be entirely silly. Because kid-to-momma relationships are anything but “simple,” of course.

Healing, in any arena, whether it is healing the person or between persons, deserves a biopsychosocial approach. What’s happening biologically? In Cherry’s case, she is getting well. Medically. Biologically. She is healing. Okay. She’s getting money back in her bank and she can now spend on those she loves, so to speak.

But her psychosocial self has been unwell too for some time. And just as when you cast a broken bone, and it knits together, the important atrophied muscles don’t automatically jump to “Hup! Hup!” when you take the cast off. So, when coming out of a terrible depression like this, there are secondary losses, survivors of the trauma that is depression to an underbelly of the parent-child.

And spiritually, well, God never left Cherry, nor her children, who were, by the way, also grieving the loss of their father and the emotional disappearance of their mother. But Cherry hadn’t done the things that she used to do spiritually for a long time now. She hadn’t been praying like she used to. She wasn’t reading her Bible. And face to the wall, she wasn’t looking at Jesus at all.

You may be wondering when I’m going to get to the five steps to healthy relationships, and I will, but first I want to remind you about Elijah.

Elijah was a prophet in the ninth century BCE in the northern kingdom of Israel. During that time, Israel had abandoned God for the worship of Baal under the rule of King Ahab and Queen Jezebel.

Elijah had a great win for God one day at the showdown on Mount Carmel and was riding high. He, in humor, sarcasm, and challenge, got to participate in the humiliation of the Baal prophets when God openly chose his sacrifice. The Baal prophets got nothing and watched as God burnt up Elijah’s sacrifice, dried up all the water in the moat around it, and scorched the rocks. I don’t tell the story as well as 1 Kings chapter 18 does, so read it there. It’s really good.

You can imagine that Elijah was considered a pretty great prophet by then. Maybe he even thought of himself that way too. I don’t know, but I think he might have.

The worst is when you are riding so high, and then face-plant though, right? And shortly after this huge win, Jezebel said to Elijah, “I’m going to kill you, and kill you good within 24 hours!”

And what did Elijah do? He plummeted emotionally. One could say, “He swung.” And dropped into his own terrible anxious depression. He ran away from Jezebel, and ran and ran for a full day. He asked God to take his life and fell asleep. An angel woke him and gave him food and water. Elijah ate and went back to sleep. The angel woke him a second time and fed him.

But the real question is, what did God do?

He stayed right beside Elijah. When Elijah stopped running, God fed him and let him sleep. He didn’t say, “Hey, Elijah! You dud! You just had that win in your hand! What are you doing running away!?”

No. God didn’t say anything about Elijah freaking out. He stayed with him. He followed him. He supported him with basic needs stuff that no one else was able to offer.

And then when Elijah awoke, did Elijah say thank you? No. He did not. He got back to his business of running away. He ran and he ran without as much class or dignity as Forrest Gump. Forty days of running, and he surfaced in the story in a cave at Mount Horeb.

What did God do? God spoke to Elijah. He nurtured him some more and revealed Himself. Elijah came to see that God was with him not because of Elijah’s performance, but because that is who God is.

He loved Elijah, good behavior or bad behavior. Good emotions or bad emotions. God was His constant self. Who loved without transaction.

Elijah had done some damage to God’s reputation by running away. (I’m inferring here…) He’d misrepresented God’s character to the Israelites and acted like Jezebel had more power than God did. And rather than act out in the power He had to set the record straight, God quietly stayed while Elijah needed him, and God understood.

So I looked at Cherry and thought about God who stayed with her, not because of her good behavior, but because God loved her without transaction. Here she, like Elijah, was surfacing from a depression, and God was still with her.

“How can I fix this?” Cherry said.

I felt the shame curl around her like sinister music. Cherry wanted to say that her kids didn’t understand. That she had good reason. That she was victimized by the universe itself in taking her husband. And she was holding on to her rightness while bemoaning her condition.

She did make allowance for her children’s distance on one hand, saying they, of course, were going through it, suffering, grieving, had been abandoned by her. But also there was that hand behind her hip. It gripped the reasons.

Cherry, in any relationship, both sides are always subjectively right. Because their truth and reality is defined by the perceptions of their own mind.

“How can I fix this?”

Tomorrow we’ll start in on our five points to healing relationships. But for today, remember that God attended to Elijah’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs before addressing his vocational responsibilities.

Our self-care tip is to see who’s staying with you, not because you deserve it or for anything you give in return. He stays because He loves you so much!

Question: Have you ever not been able to do what you knew you were supposed to do because you were too depressed or anxious? Please tell us your story.

Keep on!

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Relationships That Live and Die by what Depression Does

A joyful family scene on a bed, featuring two young children laughing and playing together, with a parent interacting with them, and another adult lying nearby.

Cherry Benton, a 48-year-old mother of four righteously beautiful children was doing so much better. Her medication, like its own kind of knight on a white horse, had given her a rapid response within weeks for her depression, recently a sagging putrefied vegetable that metaphorically stunk her up. No one had wanted to be around her, not even her own cherubs and it broke her heart.

One can be broken hearted and not depressed. They are not synonymous, just neighbors, even if they become housemates again – like when patients self d/c their meds. But that’s another blog post.

In Cherry’s case, her kids had started to avoid her a while ago she now realized. It was like she was coming out of a heavy smog and haze filled space and now looking around, was able to see where she had journeyed. Where had the time gone? She could hardly even remember details but over the past approximate eighteen months she had indeed travelled far. Her kids, from 7 to 13 years old, now looked to Nana for their needs. Nana came when Cherry’s husband, a UPS delivery man, died when a glioblastoma killed him 3 weeks after being diagnosed.

Grief is not the same as depression, even when they become housemates. Depression is multifactorial, with genetic and environmental contributions. And when those environmental factors come together with genetic loading, it can be super hard. Cherry’s father had suicided after the stock market crash in 2008, and she had several family members with a history of severe depression. A cousin hung himself, and an aunt had been on meds for years. Nana was terrified that Cherry’s depression would kill her too. But thankfully Cherry had begun to respond to medication. And it didn’t take long for Cherry to want her kids back! But it’s complicated for kids and mommas. And the days, then weeks, then months, then year(s) when their mom acted like she didn’t care about them, isolated in her room, seemed to cry over the sound of their own tears and didn’t hear them, these add up in the minds of children. “How do I fix this?!” Cherry asked.

You may be wondering when I’m going to get to the 5-steps to healthy relationships, and I will, but first I want to remind you about Elijah… who I’m going to tell you about tomorrow!

For today, self-care tip is going to be about the good old, “you can’t give what you don’t have.” Get well biologically, like getting money in the bank, in order to give to others. You Got this! Keep on!

Question: Has medication helped you or someone you love? How did your relationship survive before meds kicked in? Or did it survive at all? Please tell us your story.

Family is Family
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Family is Family

She must be in her mid-thirties, I thought. Kids – it looks like she has kids. She was well dressed, with a pleasant, kind face. Everyday Mom – a person who is easy to like, a person next door who everyone wants to be friends with.

Just right now though, she was spouting angrily, full of righteous indignation.

“And just to think that they could have easily killed him, I just could not believe it.” Her eyes were flashing. “I told them right then and there, I will never take him back to this doctor. He almost died and ended up in the intensive care for DAYS!”

The reason for the outpouring, my new patient, was sitting quietly, fondly looking on as she continued. He looked to be around eighty, which I knew was about 10 years more than his actual age. Recently diagnosed heart failure, stroke last year – this would make anyone look older.

The daughter was at the end of her rant. “So, we just decided to come straight here and find another cardiologist.” She pulled out a large binder. “Here are all his records – we want you to take over now.”

Usually I try to be understanding of my own profession and not be quick to join in the blame game. After reviewing these records, however, it was difficult not to be blunt in my judgment. Her father’s case had indeed been poorly handled – he was prescribed two medications at the same time with predictable life-threatening interactive side effects. His daughter’s diligence likely saved his life – when his mind started slipping, she had checked his blood pressure, found it extremely low, and immediately called for help.

After some painful experiences in my career, I had learned that instead of pronouncing judgment, it was best to find things to praise.

“You are quite lucky to have such a devoted daughter, sir,” I remarked. “If you are not aware, I can tell you – research shows that men with daughters live longer, so you have an edge there.”

The patient smiled. His daughter looked pleased.

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As I was going through his medical records, I was relieved that this new patient had been scheduled into an hour-long slot – there was a lot to cover. Making notations in the chart, I asked follow-up questions – what other medical problems he had, what were his habits, when was he first diagnosed with heart disease. The daughter answered most of the questions – not unusual when the patient is elderly; younger people tend to have better memories.

Working through the records, I noticed a condition the daughter had not mentioned.

“So, the prostate cancer – when did you have that?” The daughter looked confused for a moment and then turned to the older man. “When was that, Dad? This must have been a long time before I met you.” They started discussing the possible dates – the patient did not have the best memory.

This snippet in the conversation caught me off guard. First I thought I had misheard the word ‘met’. Surely one would not use that word for one’s own father? Should I ask? Social history is an important part of the medical exam. Also – let’s face it – I was curious.

“That was an unusual word choice,” I started carefully. “So, I assume you are adopted then?”

“Oh no,” the woman answered cheerfully. “As biological as can be.”

The utter confusion must have shown on my face. She decided to have pity on me.

“Well, of course, I didn’t know who he was.”

…. That did not make things any clearer.

“My Mom refused to tell me who my real father was – so after she died, I started looking for him. Went through as many genetic tests as I could – and I finally found him!”

There was an unmistakable triumphant note in her voice.

The patient just smiled and continued looking at her fondly.

She went on. “So, then I asked him to come visit us last year. That’s when he had the stroke. Of course he would be better off here, so I just asked him to stay and he lives with us now.”

I tried not to react. To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t sure how one would react. The commitment she described was flabbergasting… and to a father who had never been in a picture. This woman had taken a virtual stranger into her home and into her life and acted not only as a forgiving daughter but as a caregiver to an elderly man with multiple medical problems.

“Family is family,” she announced. “I am so happy I could finally be with my Dad.”

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I must confess that there was a small suspicious part of me wondering if she will stick to it. The old man was not healthy and with the recent stroke needed a lot of help. After the initial euphoria of having a father wore off, would she think it too much?

On the next scheduled visit, the daughter was there, with the same updated binder. The father was looking better – the combination of optimized medications and stable home care had done wonders for his health.

On the visit after, the granddaughter had joined them. She was a bright-eyed little thing, curious about everything and intently looking at her new grandfather’s heart pumping on the ultrasound screen I was showing them. The daughter was making notes about medication changes. While I talked to the her about the home care, the granddaughter was trying to talk the grandfather into playing a game once they got home. The whole visit had an atmosphere of care and contentment.

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I never asked more questions about their history. Why had the mother refused to talk about the father? What skeletons were in that family’s closet?

She probably would have told me. But it was not my place to ask. As a physician, I was happy enough that my patient had good social support.

Family is family. In this case, family that almost wasn’t.