Believe And Pursue Magic

Heart beat

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Believe and pursue Magic.

Eternity frightens me.  When I go to see what stone is in my shoe, that fear, I find the absence of lines.  I am afraid of living without boundaries, without the beginnings and endings that bring so much quality to our suffering lives.

Time is a line that comforts me.  It gives form to my experiences.  However, to give eternity a “go” means to, in this dimension, allow myself that a (possibly) vacuous shapeless Me will still be a Me that I can live with.  It is to believe and pursue Magic.

Today while reading The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak, I tensed over the beauty of it. What a mastery of language the author had.  How I wish to have enough time to carve a work like that out of my life.  But the awareness of what I have done, what I have already chosen to spend my life on, scolds me.  My thoughts are slower than they were.  I am half used up.  My time is parceled and I know that if it happens, it won’t be enough to satisfy me.  My container will seal closed.

מנא ,מנא, תקל, ופרסין

Mene, Mene, Tekel u-Pharsin

Daniel at Belshazzar’s Feast

I never watched much TV but I remember a commercial about Tupperware.  The lid coming down on it and the corner lifting just enough to burp out the last bit of air, sealing it’s freshness.  I feel a lid closing.

My daughter, six years old has taken to grabbing my head and pressing my ear against her chest.

What do you hear, Mommy? 

Spoiled by medicine, I stupidly answer, 

Lub-dub, lub-dub.

Now my turn, she says.

I feel the pressure as she tries to hear.

Do you know what Love does?  Our lives are that something-of-value enclosed in plastic Tupperware – or Time you could say.

Our “Me,” surrounded by what seems to us undegradable Time, like plastic, comes down in waves of sunlight.  Layering us.  Containing us the moment we are conceived.  We walk the line of life toward the inevitable.

A Toad, can die of Light –
Death is the Common Right
Of Toads and Men –
Of Earl and Midge
The privilege –
Why swagger, then?
The Gnat’s supremacy is large as Thine –

  –Emily Dickinson.

But my daughter is teaching me that all that I know, my perceived reality, is just happening inside that Tupperware.  And because of Love, this other “inevitable” becomes apparent.  Me connected to Love with no lines.  Magic.

Suddenly time folds and I am a little girl myself, riding bike like this,

Look!  No hands!

Love is Time-corrosive, I’ve come to understand.  The particles lift off of me and I am in that space that I started out by saying I feared.

The sound my daughter is looking for is the sound of Love.  Something that is stronger than what separates us.  And although it scares me still, I can now believe and pursue Magic.  I know I can trust that even without Time, the Me that brings me pleasure in part because of the boundaries that contain it, will bring me pleasure even when Time is gone.  I can trust Love.  Intentionally being held by Love, I can say with more confidence than before to my girl, I will never leave you.  Because of Love.

My ear against my daughter’s drumming heart, I answered,

I-love-you, I-love-you, –

…Finally.  Took you long enough. –  She didn’t say it.  She’s too good of a teacher to have to.

I’m less afraid.  And I like myself better believing in magic.  And I’m less hurried.

Question:  What would connect you if there were no Time?  How does that affect your friendship with yourself?  Please tell me your story.

Self-Care:  Believe and pursue Magic.

12 thoughts on “Believe And Pursue Magic

  1. One of my favorite poems is William Wordsworth’s Ode: Intimations of Immortality. Today you talk of fear of the passing of Time in your life – our lives. I’m a lot older than you and I think about what the passing of Time in my life means now – has meant throughout my life. I think today, especially, of the Time that ended way too soon for one of our best friends over this past weekend. I hope, for him, that he saw, as he has been suffering these last long years and has been facing the end of his Time here, what Wordsworth spoke about in his poem – what I, as a senior citizen, am becoming increasingly aware of as I come closer to the end of my Time here – the things that were memories of heaven and our childhood, the rainbows and butterflies and flowers that we cherished and found such joy in. I’m finding that joy again now, in nature and in the love of family and friends. They are so much more important than all of the “things” that kept me too busy to look and to feel as I ripped through the middle Time of my life. Friendship to myself now is touching butterflies at Safari Park and getting butterfly kisses from my granddaughter….seeing where I came from and where I’m going with clarity and lack of fear…well, less fear…because I believe in Eternity and it doesn’t scare me; it makes me want to know more.

  2. Mathematics and science reveal that time is an illusion, which philosophers and poets know well. We know we exist as past, present, and future—all at once—and possibly even in multi-universes. We’re lucky to be cognizant of this one, and we’re aware fully of the choices big and small that brought us to THIS present, as opposed to the infinite other possible presents out there. It is a thermodynamic miracle that we are here, right now. It is awe-inspiring.

  3. Yes, profoundly. The way to self-friendship, I think, is through gratitude and awe. We are both big and small at the same time, in the scheme of all things possible. When we sit inside of the awe of things, we let the gratitude in. All of life is so interconnected, you know?

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