Self-Care Tip #238 – Think about your response to your own behaviors and emotions.
Bianca agreed with her husband. She was too depressed. She never wanted to go out and cried a lot. Perhaps she even deserved to be cheated on and abandoned because she was so unbearably dull.
We have discussed where behaviors and emotions come from – the brain. We have identified the brain as human material, matter, biological and as susceptible as anywhere else on the body to illness. In short, We could say at this point that Bianca is in a Major Depressive Disorder – a medical disease. There are many medical diseases secondary to design, behaviors or lack of behaviors. Or for other reasons. However, I don’t know many medically ill that when the spouse walks out on her, we say,
Well of course! She had cancer!
He lost his leg in a car accident, get someone else!
But throw in some aberrant emotions and behaviors for unacceptable time, and the escaping spouse is given running shoes as a gift from their concerned community.
How could he stand her! Of course he left. She wasn’t taking care of his needs.
You see the disparity and when written this way, it looks really ugly and I apologize. I’m not trying to thumb people for biases and prejudice. Both parties are hurt. I’m also not trying to say that this happens only in marriage. It happens in almost any setting. Emotions and behaviors are just not considered to be symptoms of disease.
Have you ever heard the term, “Women on women crime?” Well this is something like that. I’m thinking much of this will improve when we treat ourselves with more insight and understanding consistent with our biopsychosocial model. If we don’t do this first, who will. We aren’t responsible for how others treat us, but we are responsible at least for ourselves.
This is one more wonderful way of claiming our right to say, self-care starts and ends with Me!
Questions: How can we wrap our beliefs around this seemingly enigmous concept that when someone is crotchety, negative, irritable, inattentive or boring – it might not have been because they chose to be that way? How do you own if in yourself? Please tell me your story.
- Where to Find Your Council On Self-Care Outside of Yourself (friendtoyourself.com)
- Where Does Courage Come From? (friendtoyourself.com)
- Moralizing Behaviors and Emotions (friendtoyourself.com)
- Number One Reason For Relapse In Mental Illness (friendtoyourself.com)
Nothing gets me more angry than hearing someone say things like “she drove him into the arms of another woman” Grrrrrrrrrr 😦
Have a good Saturday, Doc.
i get that all the time off my family kevs ex sent him to have bpd maybee they should just accept i was ill before i met her rather than pointing fingers
sorry that’s happening to u kev
we should all growl more often i think. grrrr. ah. that is therapeutic! thanks cin
Self loathing, self deprecating, self encapsulating, self abusiveness create behaviors that make us appear to be who we are in the eyes of the beholder. Others respond to how we have defined ourselves . We create our own image to which others respond accordingly. Others will treat us as we treat ourselves. In self care we can redesign ourselves wherein we can build on self respect which validates our self worth. Our self worthiness elicits worthy responses. Seems self care allows us to appreciate ourselves so that others may appreciate who we are as well. Self care is empowering and liberating. Allows us to reprogram ourselves based on these insights.
u got it on the nail carl. thank u for saying it so well.
It’s just wrong to leave a mate because he/she is suffering a personality disorder. If at all possible, the mate should care enough to be the healer, not the one to push under water the drowning victim of a disorder. Yet, there are reasons to sympathize with and consider the plight of the mate. When deep-seated anger is at the core of the personality disorder, there may be danger to others and even to the mate that tries to cope. My heart goes out to the suffering souls plagued with depressive disorders. Some mates actually add insult to the patient even though remaining in the home. We are all flawed. None is perfect, and some are really messed up. God help us.
thank u carol for your honest self. i was just telling my husband how much i enjoy your presence. keep on.
I am sad to say I have seen too many cases where a spouse has walked out when a medical diagnosis has been made. Seems to happen with younger couples. One nurse got dx of MS. 27 year old husband said..I cannot deal with this ….and left.
this does stink. grrr. was it the illness or the behaviors that went along w it? hm. what a loser. unfortunately in these cases, they both lose and fortunately they both win. good can come out of it still. bless.
My husband has hung in with me through many ungodly years of depression which included several hospitalizations, and he has, since then, continued to hang in through the continuing nightmare of fibromyalgia, panic, anxiety, PTSD and periodicf depression. He’s never given up emotionally but it’s taken a tole on his body with high blood pressure and a back that goes out when he’s stressed…about me, usually. He’s been my strength, my greatest supporter and my greatest blessing, I, on the other hand, am, often, not my greatest anything. Stress still triggers anxiety and panic and depression and raw nerves. Today I jumped at my beloved granddaughter for making too much noise crunching chips…and, as I cried about doing so, listened to a nine-year-old tell me, as she was kissing my face, that “You’re going to be okay, Grandma. Don’t worry, I understand.”
My latest blessing. Now if only I could only be a blessing to my own crotchity, negative, irritable self. I think that would be the best blessing for my family.
dear crotchity, you’re going to be okay. what a girl that 9y/o is. hugs,
the other crotchity
you know accepting things for how they are sometimes insted of looking for ansers would solve a lot of problems ive allways siad people are so quick to point fingers wether people are in the right or in the wrong i never see things as they are i rather go down the path less taken i di try to be posertive but i dont allways manage i might be boring but i am me and i love me in a way like at the moment i am in a bit of a muddle i joined a new group of people over the net a person who is in that group knows my best friend now the chances of that happening have to be pretty low i have a very big probelm looming i have talked to the group endlesly about how i feel etc and what i have done if this leeks there is a pretty good chance im in trouble im kinda in shock in a way now how do i take this negativly or posertively i dont know make the best of a bad situwation ive been feeling a bit down today myself with not getting that tonic sleep seems to play a big part in my mood but i keep thinking posertive god knows why becuase i want to
“because i want to” u say. i respect that reason for self-care kevin. thank u for sharing w us. keep on.
I’m extremly Lucky!!! My Husband, Ken has stayed with me through Hell. I keep expecting him to leave, (like my dad did to my mother) but he’s still here, doing his best to help me through all my ups and downs. He’s my rock. My support, my shoulder to cry on and when I have a bad day he’s right there to do whatever I need done. I couldn’t make it without him!
thank u for celebrating w us michelle. these miracles in life r magic worth sharing. keep on.
I can’t help going through all those negative emotions. I don’t like it, but I have no power over them. My husband of 18 yrs left me because he was tired of the hospitals, the doctors, the ups and downs… I trusted him with my life… I guess I was wrong.
LS, u were made for love and connection. we grieve w u and r here to stand beside u if u want. keep on lady courage.