When Things Get Heated, Remember to Ask Your Friend’s Opinion. You.

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Self-Care Tip #237 – When things get heated, get a second opinion with your friend.

What would my friend say?

When in question, ask.  And who is the friend we are referred to here?  The “Me.”

This is a great check point to give ourselves.  Things get heated between her and him, she gets a second opinion.

Barbara had read this blog and tucked something of its fabric away in her blended space between conscious and sub.  Then one day, while zoning out listening to her husband yell and criticize her, she saw herself.  It was as if she split into the participating Barbara and the observing Barbara.  The participating Barbara suddenly didn’t feel so alone.  The word, or more the concept of “friend” came to mind and she put it together.

Now generally when she is in a situation that hurts and bewilders her, she is remembering to ask her friend what she should do.  Asking used to take longer, but now it comes to mind as quickly as the thought of consulting an intimate partner would.

What would my friend say?

Things weren’t peaceful yet in her life, but just asking her friend what she would do has helped Barbara a lot.  Barbara explained to me that if she were with a girlfriend, say Sally, and Sally gets worked over by her husband, Barbara wouldn’t have any problem thinking of what Sally should do about taking care of herself.  Barbara says that being her own friend is almost the same.

And then for me, it clicked.  I can ask my friend.

What should I do?

Question:  When getting hurt by someone, how can you get friendly with yourself in the moment?  Please tell me your story.

19 thoughts on “When Things Get Heated, Remember to Ask Your Friend’s Opinion. You.

  1. Sana, I can’t believe my eyes… this new post just hit me so… because I was just writing a post about needing help…
    In the past few days I have been asking myself what to do about my emotions. I am losing control, and when I left my therapist’s office this afternoon, I had made up my mind I would take an overdose as soon as I got home. I am still here, but just barely… My ‘friend’ is not home with me today… LS

    • I hope you have realized that all things do pass even if it seems very dark now. Please call someone bc you would be surprised how many people do actually care and taking your own life would not be the answer. I bet if you just look a little harder you can be/find the friend to yourself to help get to the next day where things might e better. Let that friend be the strong one for now and give her your emotions so you can rest. Good luck.

      • LS, what a blessing to b part of your journey for all of us. we celebrate w u the life u live right now.
        i can’t thank elm enough for the direct and sincere reply. That is more than i could have dreamed would come from this effort we do together – community that responds to each other. u r not alone LS. Please keep us posted whenever u like. I’ve been grateful for your comments, every one and guess that they r impacting others who need to hear your voice. keep on.

      • Thanks elm for your thoughtful comments, and I am sorry for my delay in replying, but it has been a very difficult week, as you can imagine.
        Is there I way I can participate in your blog?
        Hugs. LS

  2. I just wrote a long response to this and decided to make it short (mercifully). It’s almost creepy that you wrote this last night. Although I didn’t get it until this morning, I had received a very hurtful e-mail from my minister last night about some work I’m doing on banners for Easter. Long, frustrating story but, after a good cry, I took my meds (no extras), DIDN’T call my therapist (which would have been my first move until last fall), sent a polite e-mail to the minister and went to bed determined that I would complete my task without falling apart. Being a Friend to Myself has meant that I think about that first when I’m upset. I love this piece, Sana. What would Jesus do? is great and I do think about that. What would a friend (I) d? is SO helpful!! Thanks.

    Can you imagine how long the long one would have been?? Have a good day. 🙂

  3. Excellent post. It is difficult to look objectively at a situation you’re emotionally involved in. I do this to myself as a behavioral check…when I say or do things I question, I ask myself if I am the type of person I’d want as a friend…keeps me in check.

  4. my initial reaction when someone is upsetting me, is to do nothing until I can think clearer. I learned to ask myself for advice in situations like that in therapy [the most common question I ask myself is “why does this person upset me?”, “or why do I let them upset me?”], but I’m still working on doing it in the heat of the moment. I think that practice makes perfect. the more I do it, the more it becomes a habit, and the faster I can respond. it’s a learned skill that needs lots of practice, like learning to play a sport.

  5. thank you for this post. I have never thought about asking myself as a friend about my feelings. I write about it/them in my journal and my Self answers. this could be a quicker way to get at the bottom of an issue or situation. This is an interesting idea. Again Thanks

  6. you know are you just writing posts of things that will happen going form the top of the post when things get heated i felt this tonight kev and me where argung i didnt do the dishes last night i spent all that time on my web site instead 16 hours in intrest so there was an argument and a great big heated one to basicaly after about ten minutes of it i went into the bath room i was in rage it was automatic i was puching the walls there concrete i had no controll of that this hasnt happened to me in a long time then i stoped puching the walls and sat in the bathroom everything hit me like a flash insted of picking up the nearest tablets i just sat there and cryed and i phoned a frend i had carmed down after about 5 min was really shakey went into a fit didnt know what was going in for about a minute and i was ik after that but out of all this what helped i didnt act as i had probably siad before i imagine a stop sign as soon as i am going to do something im ok now got to admit i was friendly to myself i didnt hit him i wanted to but i walked away its very hard when something you are doing and someone undermines it and says your rubbish phone a friend be a friend to yourself

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