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Have you been having any thoughts about wanting to die?
You folks know about these questions I must ask. Some people are offended by them. Many people are grateful. Trisha was guarded.
Yes.
I asked,
Did you have a plan in mind on how you would kill yourself?
There was a black pause and then,
I’m not sure I want to tell you that.
I could understand your reluctance Trisha but telling me is a good thing. It helps the ideas lose some of their power. It’s no longer as much of an option when you tell someone than it would be if you kept it a secret, I said.
Ok.
Another black pause and then,
I wanted to use a chain saw.
When it comes to ways of suicide, this one sounded pretty painful.
Ouch! I said to Trisha.
Her response, well, I didn’t expect it.
I hadn’t thought about that! The pain from that would have been nothing compared to the pain I was going through!
Trisha’s words schooled me. I don’t care how many times we talk about the darkness, the hopeless horror and the suffering of some brain illnesses, somehow, I know that I really don’t want to have full knowledge. When having your neck sawed off by your own hands with a chain saw seems like it would feel better than the full body despair, not many others will understand. Trisha wasn’t processing well, true. But the point isn’t her poverty of suicide options. What is the point here. Well, there is one major point to take home and there is a minor. Starting with the minor point – We can’t presume much about others. Moving on…. Major point – Tell people when having thoughts about wanting to die and what those thoughts are. Why? Because it’s friendly to Me. Telling someone isn’t as much about what they’ll do for Me, although once in a while someone may do something right on our behalf. Rather, telling someone is about what the telling process and knowledge of the telling does for Me. It lets us know that we are not alone. We lose some of the magical quality to the suicide plan. It dilutes our conviction to self-harm as a solution.