- Go vertical. Start with asking God for help, including, “Show me my sin.” When you know your sin, you can accept His forgiveness and go from there. Entering into a relationship already forgiven is the best starting point. Guilt, shame, and defensiveness are not between you and your “target” ;). Much safer space for all involved.
2. Get biologically healthy. You can’t give what you don’t have. Being biologically well is like having bank. Something to give. You know where we are going with this. It’s all over our blog and includes the hard self-care of doing what no one else can do for you, even at a cellular level, such as putting pills in your mouth every day to heal them. That is true self-care.
3. No blame. This could also be said as, “Own your part without requiring the other person to own theirs.” Any time blame comes up, go back to Step 1. Blame is worthless and no help to you or your target. It is distracting and not transparent. Transparency and honesty are not the same thing. Transparency means that you approach the other knowing your sin, knowing you are no better than them, and that you have accepted the love you are offered despite yourself.
If you find yourself talking about anyone else besides yourself/your own accountability, go back to Step 1. Go vertical. You may remember, we have spoken several times about “the 3 C’s”—I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I’m not responsible for changing it. You can only control yourself, and very little at that.
- No transactional love. This could also be said as, “Love freely without keeping score.” Any time we find ourselves keeping score, counting calls, ticking off favors, slumping underneath the rejection of an unrequited gesture, go back to Step 1. Go vertical. There is no love that is transactional. We’ll talk about this more later, including all God’s yeses and the one no. There would be no freedom to choose otherwise. We would just be automatons. A “willing bride” with a gun to her head, metaphorically.
- Being with that person is a privilege. Always. It is always a privilege for them to give you time and space of any kind. There is no obligation. This is a precious thing to hold, this relationship, with humility. If at any time you feel like they should be with you because you are Mom, Dad, teacher, moneybags, a geriatric, or just a kid—any reason at all—go back to Step 1. Go vertical.
Healing within a relationship is not necessarily the same as reconciling the relationship. A person can practice all five steps and experience genuine healing even when the other person does not choose to reconnect. That distinction reinforces our emphasis on freedom, nontransactional love, and personal accountability.
These are the 5 steps to heal any relationship. We can flesh them out more later, but I thought, enough beating around the bush! Just say it already!
More later, but for today, self-care tip of the ages: Go vertical!
Question: Do you live with any broken relationships you would love to heal in? Do you have hope for them? What would you be willing to do to heal in them?
You got this! Keep on!