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Self-Care Tip #162 – Know what you are fighting for. Be a friend to yourself.
Bridget told me,
I felt free to do something creative without having to feel guilty about it.
She had read the blog post, “Self-Care is Freedom, is Democracy, is Because We Are Accountable.” I was just starting to think about other good places to go with that but before I got too far she hit me with,
I just hate myself!
Hearing those words is like watching squishy and partly moldy tomatoes hit the wall. It’s messy. It’s dirty. No one’s excited about dealing with it. And, there is something negative that brought it on. Readers, you’ll remember this countertransference when you’re the counsellor in some other situation and think, “Darn that Quijada!”
My thoughts bumped and piled up. Stopped, until they started pulling themselves off of each other. I tried to put these disparate bits of Bridget’s narrative together. And I wasn’t alone.
I don’t get it! Why do I feel this way?
Who doesn’t have conflicting feelings about themselves? Bridget perceived and celebrated her freedom to self-care, yet was betrayed by her own, just when she was reaching for it. Is that ok?
What strikes me about Bridget is her journey. She has struggled with anxiety and depression for many years. I know with me, she’s been in treatment for five of them. During that time, she has been lovely although not perfect. She does her hair, glossy blond in large waves, trim body frame and polite like no one I’ve met. Many medications have failed her and she has taken those failures and claimed her future over again. The intense forward movement of her inner self has never been muted, even when she has had thoughts of wanting to die.
I have learned what she values, what she’s willing to let go of and what she isn’t. Her appearances matter. She is artsy and gets energy from being alone. She loves people. Her marriage is rocky. She struggles with parenting. She loves her husband and her children. Bridget’s journey is a journey of imperfection, beauty and courage.
And here she is again. Conflicted self, ill, hopeful and claiming her future. Bridget is right on her course. I wish I could help more. I wish she wasn’t still ill. But I can at least be as courageous as she is. I can hope with her. I can stand with her or walk. I know that put to the question, Bridget prefers this journey than losing the right, the privilege, to journey at all. Bridget is free. Many of us are not as free as she is, who knows what she is fighting for.
Question: What are you fighting for? If nothing were to ever change for the better in your life, what makes your journey worth it? Please tell me your story.
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I am fighting for Bridget! I can help her get over her rocky marriage. I even have the good kind of insurance so she can keep seeing you. Also… this “hates herself” thing. I think she just hates herself when she is not wearing a swim suit. Have we explored this treatment option, doctor? I am willing to help. On a side note, I have had points in my life where I have hated myself and have always found it hard to share with people. Hmmmm (as a real psychiatrist would say)….. If I really hated myself why would I not want to share that with others? Here is what my team of psychiatrist and myself came up with… I have never really hated myself, I have hated my perceived problems and the feelings they invoke. I have been shy (hypothetically) regarding my issues and their effect on me. Enough about that. Back to Bridget…. That Kevin guy seems to be pretty slick with the ladies and may even try to imply that he is right for Bridget. He is wrong. He is nice and a pretty good writer but, I am really funny and can provide the therapy that she needs. Also… he already has plenty of girls and he should not be greedy because then everyone will be sad… even the dogs. Hi Bridget! Ignore Kevin… not right for you.
My husband, my children, my son-in-law and my granddaughter. They are the reason I keep going’ they are the reason I’m still alive; they ARE my life.
say it
to controll my feelings and cope better with life in genral and controll my impulses what makes my life journey worth while that some one might love me just that chance that someone will really love me because inside i learnt that long ago i live in life not for myself witch goes against your site a little i live for who ever i love
thank u kevin for speaking up. living life for others is from my perspective a reflection of temperament and not a moral quality. it is something beautiful about your hard wiring.
It sure would be a heck of a lot easier to be funny and attract massive amounts of readers to your blog if you would work with me! WTF! How did Bridget turn into a birthday cake? Thanks for your support! Really nice. I make even less sense than usual minus the image of Bridget. I am officially on strike! No Bridget! No Peace!
silly
Re “I hate myself” One way to build self esteem is to do esteemable things. And it won’t be delusional patting one’s self on the back. It was be real. And we mustn’t was time determining if we are OK or not. Others will tell us because a lot of self esteem is internalized because of external dynamics.
nice action-approach that owns it. thanks Carl.
I haven’t always openly hated myself. I used to put forward this “I’m in love with myself” front. I looked great and I made sure I always felt great then everything snapped or popped and I realized that I wasn’t as great as I thought, at least in my own eyes. That opened up the door just enough to start letting the tiniest hateful thoughts into my mind where they grew and grew… getting large enough to eat up most of it and part of my soul. I HATED myself out LOUD! That hate with medication has subdued itself somewhat and if nothing else were to come out of my life, my daughter is my salvation. She is the rose that grew out of the rocky soil where no other life truly lived.
thank u XC for sharing this bit of your story.
“the rose that grew out of the rocky soil” – could b u too
I am wondering if, for all of us, there will always be parts of ourselves that we loathe?
Is that self-loathing thing a Jungian archetype universal or collective consciousness due to Adam’s Fall? I never met the guy. He ain’t dumping his guilt on me, that’s for sure.
u r repellent to guilt mr. carl. nice.
for some of us, i’d suppose so. i know there are others wired w/o much propensity to that. must b nice.
I guess I’m fighting to control stress and anger. Silly things used to make me quite upset, and I am trying to work on it. I think I’m improving on both, especially the latter, but I still have work to do. It feels sometimes like there’s two of me, the rational me, and the me that worries and gets grumpy, and I’ll feel better once I get the naughty me to behave as the rational me wants.
thank u duck-man for commenting w such openness. it is beautiful to see u. i know many of us relate to that struggle. keep on.
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