In our growing familiarity with our fears about medication therapies, we are getting to know about control and identity. Separate those in hopes that will help us bring them together later.
I don’t want to lose control of my choices to the control of medication.
Jane had pocks on her face from childhood acne. Kids had bullied her. She learned to fight. Jane’s mother had a boyfriend who victimized Jane. She fought harder. Not against her mom or her mother’s boyfriend, but against kids. Jane left her mother’s home when she was fourteen and lived between friend’s houses. Her story continued to develop. Jane learned to really fight. She bloodied herself to get control and she still had her teeth.
Jane had sold marijuana for five years when I saw her. She had used one to two bowls a day since she was twelve. It was one of the first things that had given her a sense of control. Emotions sparking, nerves peeled back and exposed, dilated eyes, afraid and shaking; Marijuana took the peaks and filled in the valleys.
And what brought Jane in to my clinic? This scraping, scratching survivor? Weeping, Jane’s pocks folded as her face scrunched up. Thirty-one years old and she was not in control. Jane was suspicious of everyone who crossed her path, she couldn’t concentrate and just suffered an at fault motor-vehicle accident when she was ticketed for carrying marijuana. Jane awaited her trial.
Reader, you see the push-me pull-me in the room. Was Jane ever in control? Are any of us? Our embrace with our powerlessness stabilizes us more than our power. This was the time in Jane’s life where she was available for help. This was one of the best times of her life, even if she didn’t know it. It is the surrender of all that we are, controlled and uncontrolled, to our Higher Power that stabilizes us. Control comes from the outside in.
But being a friend to ourself isn’t about control. It is about putting ourselves immediately and ultimately in the care of Love. What does Love want for us? To be good to ourselves.
We offer medication therapy (and sobriety) not to put us in control or to take away control. Assuredly some of our goals will happen. But still, we offer medication therapy when the benefits outweigh the risks to “Me.” When it is friendly. Not to erode us. See blog-post, Self-Care Works You, Pushes You, Tires You Out Until You Are Happily Spent On Your Friend – You.
Over the past two days, we have asked a lot of questions and gotten insightful, perceptive, inspired and intuitive answers with power to connect us and point toward healing. We will continue to explore these questions and these answers, as they will continue to influence our relationship with and ability to befriend “Me.” For today, however, I will bank these Q & A pages and pause Jane’s story. I send you into blog-post, Are Your Meds Safe?