Self-Care #186 – Forget about fairness.
It’s raining here; herding us. I don’t like driving at night, but driving in the rain at night is worse. Driving in the rain at night, with a rabid sheepdog tailgating me is still worse. However, I do love slowing way down when I’m tailgated. That was nice. And seeing some family, including my folks, made it all worth it.
My kids were in on it too. They were doling out banana smoothie and repeating a favorite theme called, “Make it fair!” In Parenting, the frequent reminder that life will never be fair for my kids, and wondering if they’ll ever get it, gives me almost as much pleasure as being tailgated at night in the rain.
“Make it fair,” isn’t far from any of our hearts desires. It’s easy for me to forget humility and judge my kids, but when people aren’t looking, I’m also checking to see how much I got.
I met a girl in clinic, Britt, who was also working this out for herself. She was holding it in her hands and turning it over; a foreign object. Britt said,
It doesn’t matter what has happened to me, I’m still responsible for taking care of myself…
She said it many ways, and the tail of her pauses kept flipping up into question marks without actually asking,
With my abuse…? No one else will…?
I could see her with all the rest of us suffering folk, checking the fluid line in our glasses, saying
With all the hurt I’ve received…
I was poor my whole life…
I just can’t seem to get a break!
For Britt, coming to a point of owning her self-care felt like losing social support. She had for so long sipped on her succor as a victim in the company of her received wrongs, that she felt awkward. Britt needed to find a new group of friends. She stood there toeing the floor,
I have to take care of myself.
Britt will be alright. She will be emotionally healthier and in better company very soon. She will move past where so many of us are still gripping our goblets asking about why we didn’t get more. She will say, without that question, self-care begins and ends with “Me.”
Britt hasn’t been able to do this without medical help. For her, part of seeing herself as a victim to what life gave her was symptomatic of her major depressive disorder. She was personalizing what wasn’t personal. Not everyone will need medication. Some of us will do well just recognizing that, “Life is not fair,” and will be able to move on.
Question: How have you gotten out of the company of comparisons? How has putting fairness aside been a form of self-care for you? Please tell me your story.