He felt blamed by his daughter. It is one thing to perceive it. Believing what we perceive might be separate.
There is a disease process named obsessive compulsive disorder. In this illness, we perceive things that at some level we understand are not likely nor true. These fears are called “egodystonic,” when we can tell that our fears don’t make sense. For example, it may preoccupy my thoughts that I fear I just ran over a pedestrian with my car, even though at some level I know I didn’t. Not driving back and forth on the street to look for the victim where I fear the accident happened for hours is therefore terrifying to my core. If asked outright if any of it made any sense, I’d say no. We all have features of this disorder but don’t necessary to the full extent. And that is where we got terms like “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.”
It goes to reason that fears consistent with our inner selves are “egosyntonic.” In its diseased states, we see this in disconnected thought form disorders such as schizophrenia. The healthier examples are much easier for most of us to understand and relate to. I fear if I speed, I will get a ticket. Healthy and connected fear.
Now what was going on with the man I mentioned above? Did his daughter ever say she blamed him? Was he trusting his feelings? His Jedi-intuition? Was this egodystonic or egosyntonic?
Egodystonic fears in a much milder form include simple personalizations. Making something about us that isn’t. Your girlfriend makes jokes about you being irresponsible. A friend doesn’t return your calls. Your daughter is moving away. You can see the potential fears building up. Will we believe them?
Believing our perceptions depends on different paradigms. There are our biological illnesses that predispose our perceptions (major depressive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, etc…). We have our temperaments to answer to. Some of us are wired to be more suspicious v. trusting. There are adjustment issues, related to stressors around us. We have our own coping skills. And how about poor self-care such as poor sleep hygiene and little exercise? All of that will play on what we are going to do with our perceptions.
Truth is, generally very little of what we hear has anything to do with us. Now there is the other extreme of course. A personality disorder who has little insight into the way they are influencing the world around them and take little responsibility. But that is the exception. More often, we walk around licking wounds that came from a series of misperceptions and personalizations. It takes up a lot of time and is a disconnecting force between me and thee and thee and thee.
Self Care Tip #72 – The best way to keep the space between us open, honest, healthy, connected – is take care of our own selves. Be a friend to yourself.
Question: What has happened in the space between you and the ones you love? Please tell me your story.
Having a loved one with OCD would be very difficult to explain to anyone but a professional. Think of being loved but not being able to be touched. Intimacy avoided and considered a weakness (as differentiated from sex). Rituals above spontaneity. Of having Lysol applied to everything you touch. Lysol applied to children’s legs and shoes. Not being able to hug your kids after work until after a bath and your inside cloths on. The tirades. Most things literal and not humorous. Any cabinet or freezer needing to be as stuffed as possible.
As a young person it seemed very personal and hurtful. I think it became more pronounced after the first baby. Most of the time fighting back because of not understanding the condition, immature, or maybe have a touch of OCD as well. All the lost years, fears and pain. After all those years now on the mend. So much more could be written about this Sana.
No Name Please.
wow. ouch. I am honored to hear some of your story. I’m sure other readers can relate and need to hear you as well. Keep talking! what a lovely man u r. i have no doubt more lovely because of what constitutes your history and your future. with deep respect and humbly, your own – FriendtoYourself