Self-Care Tip #121 – Do the opposite, do the “un,” and go where you don’t want to go. Be a friend to yourself.
Frank, accomplished in chess, employed in a 3 digit salary job, married with children, and he heard that things were going well. From other people. In his opinion, Frank believed the inside life-details were more destructive than the redemption of the apparent details. Frank listed himself off to me like a confession, but he got little relief from the exercise. It didn’t change that he was still addicted to sex, ashamed and the addiction was changing his ability to function in the other areas of his life. He was taking more risks and realized that if he didn’t get clean, he’d lose “everything” but the addiction. Not wanting the addiction didn’t make it go away.
How many of us wrinkle our nose at the Frank’s out there! How we avert. Either side is not really good or bad. It just is. Frank is addicted. And we are ignorant. Sex addiction is in the recesses and communes of where any of us live. And, “we” are no better than they or worse. It just is that way. The qualifiers are the stink that kill our connections. The qualifiers are rotten.
One thing I love about Jesus’ earth-story is that He was always un-everything. He was Un-segregation, un-rules, un-prejudice, un-divided, and many people thought he was un-qualified. Wherever these things were, He went there. I love seeing people who use Him to draw lines between their spaces. To say, “This is because Jesus wouldn’t…” Hmm. Jesus wasn’t scared of mucking up in the chaos of people’s lives. Jesus not being scared is actually the wrong way to say it. Let’s say rather, Jesus honed in straight to the muck and chaos, drawn there because He couldn’t and didn’t want to stay away. We are not so loving as that but who cares about motives? I also say with confidence that Jesus/God understood biology much better than we did then, now or will.
When we can look at each other objectively, when we don’t personalize what isn’t about us, we can let go of some of what separates us. It goes both ways. We are afraid of Frank and what he does. Frank is afraid of what he does and of us. But it’s not the fear so much as it is the qualifiers that ruin us. Bad, good, Clang! Down go the dividers.
None of this is meant to minimize the pain that these things bring on, such as addiction. Rather, taking away whatever is dividing us helps us be more present with the pain, with each other, and often leads to healing. It is another opposite, another “Un,” another Jesus-move. Doing just the opposite of what we think should be done. Got to love that Man!
Why would any of “us” want to be connected to the addict, or to whomever is doing something hurtful, scary, negative whatever it may be? Why? For your self of course. Our life is better if we are. That is a motive I think is worth pursuing.
Question: How has your life gotten better when you did the opposite of what you felt like doing? Please tell me your story.
- How To Find A Sex Addiction Therapist (mademan.com)
- Surviving the holidays: tips for the sex and love addict (psychologytoday.com)
Hmm I never really considered doing the opposite from what I wanted to do. I might want to do it for a change, but I am not sure it is something I need to do at this stage of my life.
Hi there Marcos! Great to see your comment. Thanks for reading too. This was a sensitive topic with many angles and was likely not covered as elegantly as it should be! I’ll keep trying and hope to get it clearer. I can imagine your reticence, but by any chance do you want to tell us more about it? What’s your story? keep on!
You covered it perfectly elegantly. I will go away and think about this.
Thank you Cindy! Sometimes I’m lapping at any puddle in the flower. These comments are nectar! Thank you so much for your comments, reading, support! Who are you? If only the world were a little flatter I might know…
I am so happy to have found your blog. Your posts are inspiring.
This post is a great reminder to ease our judgements, and be aware of how walls are formed. I like the way you speak of Jesus, and how he saw no walls, he went straight to the core, through the mud. Good stuff, Thank you.
Hey Zahara! I feel the same. What a joy to connect with you. I saw your site too and it was lovely. I’m looking forward to connecting more in the future. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Keep on!
I’ve read this over several times since you posted it. I’ve thought of a lot of times I’ve done the opposite thing from what I would want to do. I’ve written about them and then backspaced my way out of them. In the end, I guess what I got out of this blog, more than all of the rest of the good things, was your paragraph about Jesus. Throughout my illness, I spent a lot of time with him on the hill above Samaria. He was doing the un-thing by talking with the Samarian woman and accepting water from her, but, in doing the un-thing, he gave her hope and comfort. I needed both so badly that I could actually feel his arms around me, smell the dust and sweat on his clothes, hear his voice in my ear. It was what calmed me when nothing and noone else could. Thank you for reminding me.
Nancy, you are walking the walk friend. Thank you so much for commenting. I hear you. Keep on!
This is a beautiful post. I’d say more…but I’m not sure how private my comments are (in this mad online world!)
smiling. nope, not private at all but sometimes that is what is so beautiful about this. privacy sometimes keeps us from being friendly w ourselves.
thank u for your kind feed-back. keep on.