Day: May 2, 2011

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Just Ordinary Bullying – The Bully and The Bullied

Physical bullying at school, as depicted in th...

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Self-Care Tip #251 – Help yourself break it down if you think you are a bully, or are bullied.

I was just bullied, folks.  I know.  Takes a certain someone to bully me but that person and the bullying materialized and I was left with my autonomics all barking, pupils dilated, and I had to break it down.  I was bullied.

Now, after some time and a good wonderful chat with my beloved, I am able to experience the pleasure of joining the popular group of bullied-adults.  It seems to be a posh crowd now who acknowledges that adults are in fact bullied – not only kids.

What is bullying?  I’ve linked this blog-post to various web-articles that have stated this question and answered it well.  The part I would like to highlight is the emotional bullying.

When we perceive either consciously or subconsciously that we are:

  1. Afraid
  2. Powerless
  3. Receiving implied threats (direct are obvious to us readers but the implied threats are not always as clear to us readers or others out there)
  4. Supposed to stay quite about it

Does any of this sound familiar?  If it does, you  might have read the blog-post, “He’s Never Hit Me.”  Much is the same.  I’m not able to say all that is different between emotional abuse and bullying as I don’t know of any formal scientific way of separating them.  However I will propose that emotional abuse is when it is repeated and includes system issues including the victim feeling shame and deserving of that treatment.  Bullying perhaps may not be repeated or it may and it might not be done to someone who is in a relationship with the bully before it happened.  (This is just Me, Dr. Q saying this though.  Just today in my research I have already found other sources describing it differently.)

Regardless though, what to do?!  I was bullied!

Break it down:

  1. Go to the fear.  Think about where it is coming from.
  2. Think about the power.  “Why am I feeling powerless?”
  3. Clarify the threat perceived.  We don’t have to do this collaboratively with the bully – who may after all, lack all ability to gain insight for whatever reason.
  4. Get it out of the closet as soon as you can.  Talk about it with someone.  Go to any authority who might have information to empower you.  If the bullied is doing something that is wrong, we want to know!  Right?!  If not, we want to know that too, and be as clear about it as we can.  This also helps gather an “army” around you… or you could call it support :).

Andy Becker from the Leadership Post says,

It’s not enough to say bullying is not tolerated; we need to empower ordinary adults to help stop it.

Well today, I guess I’m an ordinary person getting ordinary bullying.  The bullying isn’t special.  The way it affected me isn’t that special either.  But I am.

Similarly, the bully isn’t being served well acting out.  It’s not friendly to either of us.  We are both ordinary special people who deserve better.

Questions:  What has helped you when you felt bullied?  …or, …What has helped you stop bullying?  Please tell me your story.

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