We grieve when we get sick. And we grieve again when after getting well, we get sick again. Then the grieving can be even more terrible because you know what’s coming. In Pearla’s case, she didn’t know she was grieving but she knew she was sad and terrified at the same time.
I asked her if she thought that staying in bed, loosing interest, isolating, crying jags out of the blue might be related her grief about getting sick again. She said no at first and then said, “I’m disappointed. I thought this was over for me.” All over, she couldn’t trust herself.
Pearla was afraid. And that fear was always there. Now she couldn’t put it out of her mind. “What if I have another panic attack? I can’t take it!” “What if,” was always on her mind.
Readers, a panic attack is more terrifying than just about any immediate experience. If you’ve never had one, it is almost impossible to imagine the depth of terror it causes. It is so horrible, that people even change professions because of it. I remember a surgeon who actually went back to residency and studied a new specialty because he linked his panic to his profession. That’s another 4 years of grueling work, readers. That’s the kind of fear panic produces.
Pearla was not only in the throes of this fear, she was also in the throes of grief. This is a deep sadness any of us who have lost a beloved hope can relate to. Pearla didn’t know that was why she didn’t want to get out of bed. All she knew is over the last 2 weeks she was loosing herself and in exchange, getting something she desperately did not want.
Somehow though, after hearing about her sadness from her own mouth, Pearla agreed. She saw the grief and after seeing grief, she could be more present with it. It was almost like her face materially came out from hiding. Grief lost some hold on her. She was a little less sad and a little less afraid.
Self-Care Tip #111 – Let yourself grieve. Be a friend to yourself.
Question: How do you grieve? Was it worth it to you? Please tell me your story.