We, many, share the not so friendly distorted belief that we are entitled to understand everything. Bull bullhorn in hand, supported by the scaffolding round our personal renovations, we trumpet our oppression per the noncommunicating swine we once called our relations.
“Isn’t it our job to try to understand?” you ask. Well, no. The duty to understand starts with Me and ends with Me. (I think I just felt a poison blow dart pierce my flesh! Stop that! Is this being received well!? Hello? Anyone?! Ouch! Not another dart!)
Motives too easily change to build a case against each other rather than reconcile or to account for our Me. What does someone owe us, if not to let us understand them? Nothing. Sounds harsh? Or maybe, not so harsh. Not as harsh as being victimized. Not as harsh as spending one’s bank on illusive control of what isn’t ours to control. Not as harsh as the crescendo anger swells into when a child watches her parents behave poorly. Not as harsh as watching your beloved friend “un-choose” you. No. Claiming title to the thoughts and behaviors of others is generally and commonly done with little insight, but it can only be policed by the individual on either end. After all, everything starts and ends with Me. (Plink! Hear the pennies dropping?)
We deserve as much as the value of our own self. Understanding others will come perhaps or perhaps not. But it is as deserved as any other gift. That is to say, not.
Question: How do you stay in your space, when you are grieving the behaviors of those you love? How do you keep your entitlement to, “Me,” where you have title? Please tell me your story.
Self-Care Tip: Something as easy as remembering, “They don’t owe Me anything; even understanding,” can be friendly. Keep on.
It took you 4 paragraphs to summarize the past 15 years of personal work. I always said you were succinct!
Everything I ever “wanted” from another person and never got (or my perception) I started to receive when I did my work about me and not about everyone else. But I had to learn from books, people, etc. and God (most importantly) that this journey is about me. And the people around me were getting their stuff on me, and how was I going to learn to put up an umbrella and not get any on me. (a counselor spoke of that) I have learned with exceptions that it is water off a ducks back. Other peoples behaviour has nothing to do with me or about me, its their personal decision to make or behave a certain way. Its my decision of how I choose to respond. And trust me some days its a reaction as opposed to a response!
This is a process like other processes in life. Baby steps, speaking my truth, “when you do this . . . . I feel that . . . . ” with no expectation and clearly stating no response needed from the other person there is a huge power in that I never expected because it seems kind of trite. However my personal experience is it works. And I don’t like to expose myself like that, so it was a big risk. The person apologized immediately. First time pretty much in almost 31 years. See old dogs can learn new tricks. And I am speaking of me not them!
Plus, when I live this way, it creates a space in which others can as well. Because if I am busy taking everyone else’s inventory and trying to figure it out (and trust me I HAVE BEEN THE QUEEN OF THAT! sigh . . . ) where is the room for them to be able to be their own person, to be able to perhaps understand themselves because someone was there judging them and trying to understand. Trying to understand other people is CRAZY making. I am too tired these days and I chose to put my energies towards myself.
Its interesting Sana that you write this because I have been having some anxiety lately. Low level, a hum, like something in the air. I wake up justifying my actions, the committee is chattering in my head as I wake up. I talk to God before I go to sleep, and say my gratitudes or just breath God. So waking up with the committee is frustrating. This morning I took special note of it and realized more deeply its because I am learning how to swim and train my body. Swimming correctly with my face in the water is terrifying and I am blessed with a great swim coach, and I have come leaps and bounds in a short time. But I am breaking a taboo as it were (there was sexual abuse in the tub when I bathed with my father when I was very young) and I have such a fear of my face being straight down in the water) but I am doing this. So trying to figure out why my father did this (along with all the other sick depraved things my parents did) would expend all my energy instead of me putting my energy into myself and learn to play and have fun in the water. So I claim back for me!!!!!!!
Plus a Carl said in a previous reply (I paraphrase) he didn’t want to be the cause of anguish for another person. If I am trying to figure out another person I am putting myself in a place I have no right to be and that can cause much discomfort and pain to another.
Love you Sana
I just love it when you say the absolute pure truth! Geez its a nice change!
Your post is a real eye-opener, Sana. Gives one food for thought.
Blessings ~ Maxi
That was me for three decades. Until I got clean and sober ten and a half years ago.
It took a lot of learning to friend myself time before I could look at my parents – and siblings – and understand where they came from…or are still coming from. It hurt me worse ttying to understand them before I could understand the value of Me. Not forgive; not entirely forget; just feel a little bit at first, and then progressively more, sorry for who they thought they were and why they were what they were. If my parents were alive today – had been alive when I learned about friending myself – would I have been able to tell them what I feel now? No. I wish. But no. The fear was too great. I’m glad I’m old enough that they are gone so that I don’t have to think about talking to them about friending myself. I’m glad, SO glad, that I am still alive and now know how precious knowing how to friend myself is!
Interesting. Yes – I do not have to understand or look for answers for everything. Calm down. Mellow out. Spend time.
thanku blackwatertown :). how’s it going w these efforts?
Mostly well thanks.