conflict resolution

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Let Him “Save Face” Because it is Friendly To Yourself

Your argument is invalid.

Image via Wikipedia

If you’ve argued, here’s what I want to ask you today:

Are you getting what you want?

That argument we had, knowing the pristine rightness of our position, knowing we have taken the fall so many times for reasons as loaded, knowing we’ve been disadvantaged, our pearls were trampled and we knew and we argued because we thought we finally should.  Was it friendly to Me?  Choosing to argue.  (There we’ve already passed up the victim role and claimed accountability for the argument.  We chose it.)

The question is what is most friendly to Me?  To be right?  Hm.  What will we do with the rightness?  Sleep with it at night?  Will it clean our house?  Will we get anything for it?  Will it take us on vacation?  What ever the argument was about.

Most of us think we are right.  Now what?

Ellen had argued.  Not aggressively.  There was no volume or matter flying about.  It was short but potent.  A bit nuclear if you must know.  She was so in the right.  If she were a tooth, she’d be the brightest whitest one in the mouth.  Pearly white.  An incisor perhaps.  She gained ground but lost her goal.  Now, neither of them got what they wanted.  They just got what any one gets when they argue.  Lonely.

Mass General put out a great guideline to conflict resolution I’ve reference below if you want to peruse …or tattoo it to your arm.

Basically, if you want to get something, let the other person save face.  You ain’t getting much by being right.  Think about what is friendly to yourself and remember that friendly is not what is easy, natural or desired many times.  It is what improves you and gets you what you really want in the big picture.

If you can’t do this even though you are deliberately trying, it may be that it is a symptom of brain illness and needs medical care.

So how am I doing in our argument?  Smile.  Are you getting what you want?  Have you ever been mid-stride argument and been able to change the direction of your projection?  Have you ever been able to stop yourself once you started and chose to be friendly with yourself rather than just right?  How?  Please tell me your story.

Self-Care Tip:  You guessed it.  Let him save face.

Related Articles:

Find the Best Route To Your Destination:  Conflict Resolution

How to win Arguments

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Growing Old

Growing old.  When do we stop looking forward to the future?  My husband, who is a Palliative Care specialist, says that even in the end stages of life, we still look forward.

Erikson‘s psychosocial crisis theory of human development says life is a balance between conflicts.  Ambivalence, two opposing forces, is something to embrace and walk with.  I don’t think Erikson ever said it in so many words, but he was largely talking about having a sense of presence in our lives.  He based most of his theory on watching kids grow and then spread the rest over adulthood like the last bit of peanut butter on the knife.  Is that what adulthood is like?

My little girl told me that she’ll never run out of love for me.  (Every now and then, after hours or days of desert-like behaviors, she’ll break open a rock and out will gush something amazingly nice like that.)  Then she looked me over and said, “You’re not old Mommy!”  I showed her my gray and my spots and my wrinkles.  Maybe I was trying to say, “How can you love me in my future?”  Love is evergreen.  I am not.

When I was a kid, my parents loaded us up for a couple weeks every year and hauled us 8 hours in a van to Brian Head ski resort in Utah.  It is where I learned that some things stay green no matter what weather they live in.  The Evergreens, tall, tall, covered in snow except for some undergarments showing through were everywhere.  Even thinking about them, I can taste

Rolo Chocolate Caramel Candies,

feel the weight of booted feet, hear Dad’s bass voice and bits of my favorite ski-story loud to be heard above the chair lift.

Evergreen’s for at least 2 weeks a year, surrounded me and my family.  I’ve heard that Brian Head has materially changed a lot since we stopped going.  I wonder about the trees.  I’m sure there are fewer.

If it is true that every stage of  life has conflicts to resolve, it makes sense to me that in age we must resolve our future with our past.  We can’t just have a past.  If we find ourselves just looking back, than we are turning a blind eye to something we are meant to be present with.  Something that brings balance and fullness to life.  Something that is an evergreen quality.

For me, it is intuitive to look at God to meet this need – future v. past.  I don’t know what it is for others.  Conflict resolution.

When the days on life’s scale are tipping backwards, and we see that there aren’t as many days left on our plate, be present.  It is an illusion.  The past does not outweigh the future.  The opposing directions of time are just fine.

Self Care Tip #71 – Be present with the past by believing in your future.  Be a friend to yourself.

Question:  Agree or Disagree?  What are your thoughts?