Growing Up Is Not Necessarily The Same as Growing Away

 

cant decide so dance

Image by faster panda kill kill via Flickr

 

Self-Care Tip #105 – Grow up, think on your own, and stay connected.  Be a friend to yourself.

Staying connected doesn’t mean loosing your freedom.  Staying connected doesn’t mean immaturity.  And independent thought doesn’t mean disconnecting from others or your foundation in life.

When we move into adulthood, we move into roles requiring responsibility, autonomous decision-making, teaching like parents.   This is confusing don’t you think when we were designed to be connected?  Well when something feels so wrong inside, listen to it.  There is a incongruence with what you intuitive know.  Independence includes dependence

Adulthood means learning to have creative thought while being willing to learn.  It means disconnecting while remaining connected.  It’s not all-or-none.  It’s seeing the strength in vulnerability.  Part of taking care of “Me” includes choosing dependence.

Dependence never takes away freedom.  Sometimes when I listen to people telling me how I should feel or think, I feel caged and start doing things to make me feel less caged.  Unfortunately sometimes that isn’t a healthy thing, like eating chocolate or… well it’s often eating for some reason.  Other people do this too.  They may cut on themselves or bang their head.  Unnecessary, because we are free no matter.  Drugs.  Whatever it is that in the moment somehow springs you from the phantom cage only to put you in another.

Question:  How do you live free yet connected?  How do you deal with feelings of infancy, immaturity, loosing freedom when it comes?  Please tell me Your story.

Getting Away From All-Or-None Thinking

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Image by DanaMums via Flickr

Self-Care Tip #98 – Getting out of all-or-none thinking may mean getting medical help.

Number five on Bella’s list:

The day has been ruined!” Bella said.  Her eyes sparkled and flashed as she spoke of her injury.  Bella was not so pleased with her labor’s reward.  She was not so satisfied with being accountable for her children‘s behaviors, when they thwarted her every effort at having a good family experience.

A reader eloquently commented what I now want to write on my mirror, about her walk through and away from all-or-none thinking:

..really only part of my day was ruined – the part when I was hurt or angry or frustrated or depressed, etc. – and, even then, only PART of me was totally miserable. I was still able to think about other things, get things done around the house, talk to a family member or friend. It’s really calming to know that I can hurt and still function because there are so many pieces of me and my life that are still okay. Suddenly, everything seems to be easier to deal with.

In an earlier post, “Adequate,” we talked about the truth being in the gray.  As my Dad so often told me,

Things are never as bad as they seem.

I had a hard time believing that at times when I was a kid, and now that I’m old-er 😉 I buy it cognitively but find I often doubt is at an emotionally intuitive level.  However, things do get much much much better for all of us after good sleep, exercise, water, and if medically needed, medication.

All-or-none thinking, extreme thinking, catastrophizing isn’t just about coping skills.  It can also be about our medical condition.  It’s very difficult to modulate emotions when you are emotionally ill.  I’ve heard so many confounded people say that they just couldn’t stop themselves from going into extreme emotions.  They struggled with reactions way past what the experience warranted.

A kid doesn’t listen to words and Dad is kicking a hole in the door.

A couple argues over levels of intimacy and the girl finds herself in the bathroom with a cutting tool.

Work is another day of punitive treatment by an employer with lesser intelligence and she’s vomiting up food.

In these examples, we reflexively coddle the person, saying, “Anyone would be upset if….”  However that is not true entirely.  Enabling someone’s illness is easy to do.  Bad things happen to everyone.  But not everyone responds in a way that is repeatedly unhealthy to themselves.

In order to treat ourselves well, we need to take care of our physical/biological/medical needs.  Say hypothetically that we are getting our sleep, and all that good stuff, yet still have involuntary inappropriate extreme emotions, think about an organic reason.  Give yourself a break.

I have told my Dad, “True, things are never as bad as they seem, but only as long as you get out of their current seeming-reality.”  Getting out of that reality, may mean getting medical help.

Be a friend to yourself.

Question:  How do you stay “adequate?”  Please tell me your story.