inappropriate guilt

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So Many Choices, So Little Time …For Self-Care

"Sophia Western", engraving after Bu...

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Self-Care Tip #198 – Being a friend to yourself might be saying,

No.

Our culture is brimming.  Brimming with…, well take your pick; walking the dogs, turning in a take-home test, watching The King’s Speech, writing a journal entry, making pancakes or reading Savvy – we have options.

However, today and often, options are stalkers we think difficult to restrain.  …More difficult, say than filing a restraining order against your husband.

Walter filed for divorce with his unhappy wife.  Vengefully, his wife turned around and filed a restraining order on him and just like that, he was unable to see his kid for over two months.  That was easy.  All she had to do was file it.

And when we have these many options, all we need to do is say, “Yes,” to one and to the rest,

No.

I love it when my four year-old son is rocking carelessly on my outstretched legs, flopping about, a happy-drunk bird-on-a-wire, and predictably although unintentionally falls.  Crumpled on the floor, he flicks his bangs back and says rather coolly,

I was okay, Mommy.  I was okaaaay.

I had tried to rest on the couch and type, doing my self-care thing after doing Mommy-stuff with the kids for a large chunk of the day.  But telling him to stop doing that really cute thing he does was not so easy.

According to The Economic and Social Research Council,

Having older siblings is not related to children’s happiness with their family, but having younger siblings in the household is associated with lower levels of satisfaction and this effect is greater the more younger siblings present in the household.

It turns out that children feel more happiness in their homes when there are fewer younger children.  They perceive that there is less energy available for them from their parents with each born child.  And I’m here to say, there is.  With my son on the floor, flicking his hair and going,

I was okaaay…,

my middle daughter kissing my shoulder and burrowing into my arm like an ear-wig, my eldest daughter came back to ask for the sixth time if I would play jump rope with her – I remembered this study.  So true.  I don’t need more options, i.e. more children who ask and I say,

No.

With these many wonderful options, choosing Me, is not always easy.  (See post, “‘You’ Are the Best Gift.”)

Now throw in a little inappropriate guilt, some ruminating thoughts, self-loathing, bad sleep, some low motivation and energy and choosing Me becomes the hardest thing anyone has come up against.

Questions: How do you choose you when you could pick so many other great options?  How has this helped quality of life for you and others in your life?  Please tell me your story.

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Down With Guilt!

Down with guilt, I say!  Let that mighty tree be felled and burnt and each season that brings up new creepers into life again – let them be taken down!  Guilt!  How many times it has weakened us.  A sickness, that ebbs the energy and confuses the mind.  Often unrelated to deed or intent, in comes the uninvited guest.  As in Mansfield Park, guilt is our own Henry Crawford courting Fanny Price.  He may dress well – in church attire, in a business suit, or in a child who thinks she should spend more time with grandma.

Like lucifer’s apple, guilt brings knowledge that can’t be trusted.  Swallow it and you’ll be looking for fig leaves.  See if any good will come of guilt.  I dare you.  See when you plant it, what will grow.  See when you hide it, how you are tethered.  Let it educate you and notice that you grow smaller.

Today a friend asked me how things were.  I remembered yesterdays.  Wonderful with sunny emotions.  A collection of connected moments.  I wanted to say something about them.  I was looking in at a shop window.  Chocolates on the shelves behind the glass.  But remembering today, I was denied.

I yelled from my darkened face.  And then I yelled again.  That was the morning.  Then the kids went to school and I went to work.  What a way to walk.  I thought of this and out popped:

I yelled at the kids which I hated, but I don’t hate myself.

It even surprised me.  Saying that to my friend, let me realize that today wasn’t an all-or-none parenting moment.  Many earlier days that began much the same weren’t so forgiving.  And because I didn’t forgive myself so easy, I didn’t forgive others so easy.  The anger chases it’s ratty tail, you know until Guilt tires him out.

Because I didn’t spend the day guilty, the afternoon and evening had a chance.  Down with guilt!  Up with new chances!  Hooray!

Self Care Tip #68 – Take the new chance!  Be a friend to yourself.

Question:  How have new chances redeemed you?  Please tell me your story.

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Look Around At The Other Reasons – Depression

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“I’ve done some bad things.”  Patient tells me she can’t sleep well, is nauseated, depressed mood, worried with perseverating thoughts about acts that shame her and ramifications, doesn’t feel as much pleasure in life, isolating, tearful and more.  I was alarmed!  What could she have done that deserved this kind of self-flagellation?  When she told me, I didn’t realize it.

I was still waiting for the rest of the story.  I got caught up in her own self-judgment and found myself sitting beside her “in court.”  Once I realized what I was doing, I was chagrined.  Here I was collaborating with her in her inappropriate guilt.  It took me too long to register that her reaction was not proportionate to the offense.  I told her I was sorry she was going through all this emotion.  She said, “It’s my own fault.”  Is it though?  We needed to start looking at additional reasons that might be influencing the way she felt.

Start looking at other paradigms when the emotional response is out of proportion to the event(s).

An analytical approach would look at unconscious reasons, such as other personal choices that conflict with a core beliefs.  Or perhaps, something like unresolved anger coming out in physical and emotional symptoms. Ask about our “closets,” peel away pretense and let your flawed self into the air.  Keep it real.

Another paradigm is medical.  Inappropriate guilt is a symptom of Major Depressive Disorder, a debilitating disease process of the brain that affects the whole person/body systems.  When distorting things out of proportion, personalizing too much, we must ask if there is a depression going on.  Ask yourself.  Ask others.  But don’t let it continue if at all possible.  Major Depressive Disorder is a progressive disease that does more damage to the brain the longer it goes untreated.  In other words, the brain is affected more over time, it is harder to treat and it is more dangerous to the person.  The average length of an episode is 2 years and the more times it returns, the more chance to have the disease process continue for life.  Treating sooner and for longer, decreases the chance of relapse.

Excellent for us are the many treatment options for this potentially devastating disease.  Even in the “lifer,” when staying on medications, the relapses are much easier to get through and shorter in duration.  The medication has a protective effect on the brain.  Prophylactic against further insult.

In the woman I told you about, there was another emotional spectrum disorder, anxiety.  Anxiety and depression are like brother and sister.  They often go together.  But for today, we’ll leave it on the symptom of inappropriate guilt and let it rest on the reminder that the brain is human, mortal, attached to our neck and not an aura.  When the brain gets sick, it shows how it is doing the only ways it can, often through emotions.

Self Care Tip #46 – Look at all the reasons influencing the way we feel.  Be a friend to yourself.

Question:  What do you think?  Agree or disagree?  What is your story?