suicide

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Are You a Victim or What?!

 

 

Number Two of Bella’s List – victim or what!?:

Last night I took my 5 year-old daughter on a sleep-over date at a hotel.  Generous I thought …and boy was it!  To me!!  I couldn’t believe how much fun I had.  I quickly realized why I had done this.

A bit of me still wants to float away on wings of the modern-martyred-Mom, and I can, because it did take a lot of time and money and energy and….  But it’s not too friendly to me.  As attractive as that flight may seem, I’ll lose air at some point and take a big fall.  Ouch.  I might fall on my kid too which is against my intuitive effort here.

Being a victim is attractive at some level, no?  My story is a softer example, but we all have tougher ones.  Like Bella’s when “she spoke of her injury.”  The gravity of her injury was created by her perception of things.  Our perception makes our emotional success.  My story about last night with my daughter sounds pretty because that’s how I perceived it.  However, I have other stories that have negative power over me as Bella’s had on her and as yours have on you.

The key here is that when we take the victim role, we aren’t just telling our story or venting.  We are feeling self-pity. But venting is not necessarily self-victimization.  Venting can be healthy.  Venting can be done without taking a victim air-bus to no-where good.  Venting can be a way of being present in your suffering, of going where the pain is and letting it lose power over you.  Self-pity only gives the suffering more power.

The great novelist and philosopher, David Foster Wallace, who courageously lived and died with major depressive disorder, encouraged,

To be just a little less arrogant. To have just a little critical awareness about myself and my certainties.

The willingness to learn or grow is the foot-path away from victim-ville.  Could we even say that being a victim is “arrogant?”  We – Me, my patient Bella, you – have we taken steps to tell our story, to be present, to live with the humility it takes to look at ourselves and not escape/fly-away?

Whatever it is you are going through, it might help to vent it!  Grow and learn and get bigger than that experience.

Self-Care Tip #94 – Get in your own space to choose freedom from self-pity.  Be a friend to Yourself.

Question:  What barriers have you felt to telling your story?  What has made it difficult to be in the space of your own feelings?  Please tell us.

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Scare Yourself If You Must, With Caution

A patient came in depressed and anxious.  After our initial interview he disclosed that he and his girlfriend were playing around with sadomasochism and it was scaring him.  We discussed that to help him get healthy, he would need to do healthy things for himself.  Anything directly harmful or potentially life-threatening doesn’t fit in to that.  We agreed not to formally engage in therapy until he had thought this through and what he was going to do with his sex-practices.  He came back wanting treatment, and spoke like this whole S&M thing was old history.  “Oh that!  I talked it over with my girlfriend and she understands.”  Ok.

Why do we scare ourselves on purpose?  Like watching horror movies, or even movies that are more mainstream but have suicide scenes, abuse, car accidents or other freaky things.  Some are thrill-seekers through extreme sports like sky diving.  Others cut themselves or do other forms of self-injury.  This may seem like an odd bundle but they all share volitional fear experiences.  Even as do team sports like tag or football when getting happy from being chased like a rabbit from a fox.

When we scare ourselves on purpose, our bodies release a number of wonderfully feeling chemical messengers.  There is adrenaline, dopamine, cortisol and more that give us a rush, a lift.  It is positive feedback.  (Dopamine is the main pleasure molecule that all addictive drugs target as does food or even a back scratch.)

Psychoanalytically one might say, like Boston College professor Peter Gray, PhD

…our greatest real fear becomes, in play, our greatest joy.

When this goes wrong is when we hurt ourselves in the process.  “Look out!” is what I say.
Other examples that are more common are film, television and video games.  We now have data that supports evidence of primary emotional illness induced and driven by watching violence – such as post traumatic stress disorder.  Post traumatic stress disorder is a bummer.  It is the only primary emotional illness that has no clear genetic origin but comes after a life threatening event either experienced by yourself or observed by you.  Just don’t get it on purpose for crying out loud!

When I am hankering for a good thriller movie, I try to use this understanding to steer me.  I try to remember that I am extremely valuable.  Along with the obvious but not so obvious good advice,

…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.

Self Care Tip #48 – Scare yourself if you must, with caution.  Be a friend to yourself.

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Good News

Many people see needing to take medication as bad news. But I think about what it would be like without it. Suicide, progressive deteriorating processes in the brain biology, contagious behaviors and moods spreading to those you love, inflammation…. That is bad news. I think about the not so many years ago before most of our medications existed. Before much of our understanding about the brain biology was around. Those times were hard. Misinformed people had ugly ways of looking at others with emotional illnesses. Hearing someone thump out their opinions on the pulpit about human behavior has always been a pleasure for me as well – not! Now we know that our essence isn’t dependent on our brain biology.

But here we are, in the land of milk and honey, depressed economy and all. We have a more informed public opinion (check out NAMI – awesome!), evidenced based medications, etc…. More than ever before in our history, the responsibility to take care of ourselves comes down to us as individuals. The external barriers to treatment are not what they used to be. However, what are the internal barriers? We own our choices. Our beliefs are our own. Letting yourself close off to the good news of medication – that is a tragedy.

Now is the time to fight for yourself. You are worth it. When you see the difference in your life, your perspective on good news and bad news might change a little too. Even public opinion starts with the individual.

Self Care Tip #22 – Be your own advocate. Be a friend to yourself.