Sometimes it doesn’t serve us well to follow our instincts.
When I was little, I don’t know, maybe nine, I remember one of the many times Dad tried to teach me how to throw and catch a football on our front lawn, under the huge tree that seemed to always block me. Dad had played college-ball on scholarship at Duke University where he promptly blew out his knee; one of the many orthopedic problems he’s known. However, he still had his arm and his gentle way of making me feel like he really enjoyed lopping the ball over short distances with me and my awkward hands.
Catch the ball right here, into your arm like you’d cradle a baby.
Nobody needs to try that many times before learning that footballs are hard and pointy and hurt a lot when we catch them wrong. Purposefully putting my body in front of that spinning high-speed object didn’t feel safe.
Get in there and watch it the whole way make contact with you as you catch it.
My eyes were still shut when he said that. I was trying not to cry but I was pretty sure my fingers were going to look differently when I opened them.
Here came more less obvious instruction,
Let your arms and hands give a little, while you catch, closing down on the ball as you let it push you.
People throw all sorts of things at us in the space between “me and thee.” It can hurt to catch and even physically damaging. But counterintuitively, we need to catch like we are cradling a baby, get in there, and give way a little.
This isn’t always advisable but it refers to opportunities to practice presence. Not every interpersonal moment is such an opportunity. Nor will each true opportunity be received naturally or effectively. Those will improve with practice, or perhaps coaching or medical intervention.
The other day, Frida told me with some self-satisfaction about the long hoped for day when she stayed with her daughter during her daughter’s anger, rather than escaping. She gave space for her daughter to throw her pain around. Frida cradled her in her personal space long enough to receive and throw back. For Frida, what she threw back was the next effort of growth. That day we celebrated the presence she was able to offer her daughter and herself.
Now get in there Frida, let it come into you. Give way to some of the momentum or you’ll drop it, and cradle what you catch.
For Frida to do this, she owned her choice to find the presence and to do the work to gain the skill. As I am a medical physician of the brain, you might guess we worked on her illnesses. Frida stayed, received her presence in the company of her daughter – and we celebrated.
Self-Care Tip #284 – Give way to some of the momentum and cradle what you want to be present with.
Give way to the resistance of change and then embrace it… This makes a lot of sense to me. Give way to resistance to change of self, old ways, guilt, of learning someone’s temperament or “language.”
Lately, I have been thinking about listening more, speaking less, and controlling my interruption. I question why I seem unable to manage this better (buffer my own momentum). Is it nervousness, lack of attention or concentration or control issue? Interruption appears as being insensitive to others and harms making a connection with them.
thank u M. luv the recap, “Give way to the resistance of change and then embrace it…” u, like your daughter (or is it, your daughter like u…?) r natural at this and it is a beautiful experience being on this side watching and receiving from your genius.
keep us posted on the unfolding of your thinking, questioning and acting upon. growing is such fun …but that isn’t saying it right… anyhoo. keep on. 🙂
What a beautiful analogy, Doc.
kate shrewsday, u can come over any time.
Fabulous analogy. I have something coming up soon that I will use this analogy on, a catch (acknowledge) and return as I don’t need to be knocked down (I have learned how to brace myself) or carrying a ball that I don’t want.
thank u suzicate. i look forward to reading your work.
Yes, we have a choice in how we want to take, or catch what another person throws our way. Often the problem is the other person’s and not yours at all.
“the whole world is touched except for me and thee and sometimes i wonder about thee!” i’ve always loved that one :). thanks clar. keep on.
I see myself watching the ball flying thru the air. I know it is going to hurt a little because of the pointy parts of the ball. Quickly I run through my mind all the reasons why it is going to hurt: the ball is too big for my petite size 4 frame, I don’t have muscles like the guys (I bet they don’t feel anything), my hands are soft, and the ball is really going to hit me hard.
My choices are to drop the ball and scape, or try to catch it, and throw it back the best I can. It is not going to be pretty.
The choice of not doing anything is unacceptable to me. But I am doing just that with my choice to distance myself 100% from my family because they are so toxic to me. I am at a crossroad wait to decide. Hugs.
u lost me at petite size 4 frame. sorry LV. jealousy raised its distracting head. ahem! … i’m back.
i hear u on your choice in boundary setting. the good-news, is your survival decisions now, don’t define your future. keep us posted friend.
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