criticism

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Listen To The Intention In What People Say

Self-Care Tip #107 – Listen to the intention in what other people say.  Be a friend to yourself.

Knowing when to stand up.  To speak out.  There’s so much said about letting things go that when we don’t, we can feel, if not see, the people pinching up inside.  “Uck!”  But that can’t always be good, keeping quiet.

Trying to connect is hard to do in silence.  It’s hard to do in sound too, if it doesn’t penetrate.  Connections are penetrating experiences.  They get inside and hook us.  They touch our simple selves and although foreign, don’t corrupt us.  That is the Love’s job – the cleanness of it.  We are touched but still clean because of Love.  Without it, getting touched can feel contaminating, dirty.

In an earlier blog post, “Criticize if You Love Me,” I spoke about the love it takes to deal with a problem, and not walk away.  The comments made the post bigger and better by highlighting how much courage it takes not only to give criticism, but also to receive it.  And more often, I was told about the pain people received from criticism.

There are 2 parts here.  The “Giver” and the “Taker.”  Giving criticism can be more about the person giving it than anything to do with the person receiving it.  It is in reality often an attempt by Giver to connect.  And when it doesn’t feel that way by Taker, it becomes disconnecting.

 

tele-smart.com

 

2 parts, remember?  Which ever side we are on, we have a choice.  We have a choice to connect.  Knowing something of the intention of Giver to connect must help that choice some, even when it doesn’t feel like what they are saying has anything good in it.

The real part of us is sacred.  Any contact to our simple selves is a privilege.  It is a privilege to both parties – Giver and Taker.  Both parties can be blessed and then in that exchange, Giver becomes Taker.

So think about what you want to say to someone you love and give.  Now, think about what you are hearing.  Take it.  And connect.

Question:  Do you find yourself on one side or another?  How do you connect?  Please tell me your story.

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Criticize if You Love Me.

On the receiving end of criticism.  Different from playing football or tag, no one wants to be chased, i.e. criticized.  If given the choice, which would you choose?  Chase vs. flee?  Humans can be a bit predatory when it comes to offering up feedback.

However, what I’m talking about has nothing to do with abuse.  Verbal emotional abuse is about unequal power.  Abuse of any kind, including spoken abuse, is scary, painful and shameful.

What I’m talking about is simply criticism.  You mismanage something at work and your boss, corrects you.  After coming home from that, tired and feeling beaten up, your children are picking on each other.  Then you get them in bed and find that you forgot to write-up a report and it has to be done.  Your spouse tells you that he misses his time with you.  

It takes a lot of love to deal with something.  Turns out, it’s much easier to let it go.  Walk away.  Examples of trying to promote criticism are the advertisements targeting parents to tell their kids not to use drugs.  It takes love to say no.  Loving yourself as well as love for someone else.  Kids who don’t get this feel neglected and confused.  Adults can also feel lost in so much impersonal space and act out just to get noticed.  Some people might call this “gamey.”  I just call it normal.  It’s a normal instinct to want the boundaries of someone who cares pressing around you.  It’s normal to feel adrift without knowing that you are worth somebody’s bother.

I say,

spare the rod and spoil the child

…at all levels.  At any age or station.  And further more, with your self-to-self included.  If you love yourself, you end up wanting to do and be better.  Coming from any direction, we can take it when we know we are loved.

The best part of Proverbs 12:24 is the second half,

but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

So now, if given the choice, which would you choose?

Self Care Tip #56 – Bring it!  Take it!  Give it!  You are loved.  Be a friend to yourself.

Question:  Have you been criticized and known you were loved?  What’s your story?