We are doing a narrative series on understanding where emotions and behaviors come from:
- Emotions Are Contagious – Emotions shared
- Our own Emotional Junk – Emotions hidden
- Positive Emotions and Behaviors are Contagious Too
- Our Conscious Self is Our Board and Paddle at Sea – Small conscious self and BIG unconscious self
- Biopsychosocial Model – Biological, Psychological, Social selves
- Finalé – Me Again. Everything Starts and Ends With Me – Even Emotions and Behaviors. (Today’s post.)
We have covered in our series that emotions are contagious. We know that if we take care of our own first, we might not be as “susceptible” to negative “contagion” in turn and perhaps, be more available to giving and receiving positive “emotion-contagion.” Further, we hope that if we do this, we might be able to choose to be with people we love even if they don’t do their own self-care. We can have that connection without personalizing what isn’t about us. Sigh. That is nice, isn’t it? Then …out at sea (away from our narrative for a day,) we talked about the pleasure in engaging with what bits of biology are directly available to us and the relationship we maintain with the big expanse of our unconscious biology. We reviewed our biopsychosocial model as a tool, and then restated the simplicity in looking for and at Me to discover where emotions and behaviors come from.
Today we leave Rob and meet Iva for our Finalé.
Self-Care Tip #272 – Look! Me Again!
Iva was crying. Things could not go on as they were. It must stop! The tension and recurring emotional crisis’ between her and her daughter were cancerous to her family.
Iva was trying. She’d come a long long way. On antidepressants now, exercising three to five times a week, down twenty pounds and into her honey-moon clothes from many many years ago. She felt so much better about herself. She was no longer yelling at every stressor, she felt pleasure again and liked being with her kids, including her daughter… when her daughter wasn’t throwing fits. However, her daughter was “fits-ing” one to three times a day still. Iva felt like she had lost control as a parent and gave a lot of blame to her little girl. This is why Iva came in. Something wasn’t right about that. It was evading her, however, what that something was.
To be clear, “little” in this case meant four years old. Four years old and they could hardly be with each other. Iva trembled thinking about the teen years ahead. Iva wondered how a four-year old could drum up so much drama and wield so much power.
Why didn’t she listen? Why did her daughter make her resort to spanking and punishments to get obedience? Why did she whine all the time?
Crying again, Iva was still able to break this down as to where her emotions and behaviors were coming from and specifically keep it about “Me.” That was our job as we crunched this together.
Emotions shared – Iva had negative emotions that her four-year old was susceptible to?
Emotions hidden – Iva hadn’t gone towards her own something or other? Maybe she didn’t even realize the negative emotions she felt toward her daughter in the first place to go towards them and see what was there.
small conscious self and BIG unconscious self – Iva had an opportunity to play, work, know and own this little portion of what made her who she was. The BIG unconscious self she was doing well taking care of with her basic needs – time with her Higher Power, medication compliant, exercise, sleep, diet, water and so on.
Biological, Psychological, Social selves – (A whole bunch of stuff you’ll have to read the previous blog-posts on! Awesome paradigm.)
And then, finally, Me. In the space between her and her daughter, Iva had forgotten that it was about Me. Iva was putting a lot of blame on her little girl. That’s a lot of pressure for a child to shoulder. It is not appropriate for a parent to shame her child this way. This isn’t a moral statement unless we make it one. It just is. It-is-not-appropriate. That’s all. Iva circled back around and saw herself there. Her Me.
Iva left thinking things were looking up.
Questions: Even in your most difficult relationships, how do you own your emotions and behaviors? Or is there a reason for them outside of yourself? Please tell me your story.
- Tips for Talking With Your Daughter (teens.webmd.com)
- Get Your Butter Knife Out and Spread Your Biopsychosocial Self Together (friendtoyourself.com)
- Robert Pagliarini: Don’t Let Bad Friends Drag You Down (huffingtonpost.com)
- Anger – Sometimes There Doesn’t Have to Be A Reason (friendtoyourself.com)