Alcohol

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Please Don’t Say “But”

Christopher Robin in his Disney depiction.

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Self-Care Tip #152 –  Please don’t say “but” to be a friend to yourself.

She wanted to explain why.  Her sons did not hear.  So she explained why to me.  I listened.  What I learned was…

…It is her choice.  Forget about explaining her “why.”  She knows that they can only hear themselves.  If she wants to be in their lives, she has to be with whom they are in this moment, trumpeting her failures, bemoaning their losses.  If she wants to be with them she’ll meet them there in the gutter and remember their value when she smells stench.

If you’re going to be with the sick, you can’t expect them to mop your brow with tender caresses.  Remember yourself.  If you want to be with your sons, than be where they are, apparently breathing fire and your name is the flame.  Still want to be with them?  Don’t explain why then.  Just be with them, like Christopher Robin when Poo was stuck in the tree trunk.  Just stand there until they can get out and be.  Being present.

If you say “but” it means you didn’t hear. “I’m sorry but,” is not saying I’m sorry. “Yes but,” is worse than many more obvious offenses. See the eyes roll? Hear the sighs?  Watch the words fall apart into letters that pile up like a wall in front of whatever it was that was said in the 1st place.

In some such scenarios it can be a first come first serve. Wait your turn to complain. Wait your turn to present your case.  If you didn’t get there first, listen.  And let the air fill up with all the things that someone wanted to say, and don’t open windows.  Just breath.  Just stay and breath and listen to them if you choose to.  If you choose to be a part of that person, where they are now, stay and be and breath.  Another time if and when they can be with you, you can explain the why.  Maybe they will never be able to give you that gift.  But are they worth it to you?

For her, she decides moment by moment.  You can’t give what you don’t have and sometimes she has what it takes to give that gift and sometimes she does not.  When she doesn’t, she isn’t standing beside their bodies stuck in a tree hole.   She’s off taking care of herself like she should be.  They’re still worth it to her.  And in her story, when she’s gone from them it doesn’t equal her abandoning them.  It means she can’t give just then.

For others, being gone may mean that it is not worth it.  That is fair.  It is a free choice to give a gift.  Gifts are free.  Listen or walk away. …But please don’t say “but.” No one will hear you.

And staying present doesn’t mean more than just that.  It doesn’t make you guilty by association.  It doesn’t give you a “go to jail” card.  If you don’t judge yourself that is.  Wow.  What a gift.  Standing present with the one you love.  Even when they are not being nice.  Even when they are not healthy-minded and say all manner of evil against you, still stand beside them, a witness to their value.

Nor does being present turn you into a noodle.  For pity’s sake, it means only what it means to you.  There is love.  And love is stronger than anything. …But please don’t say “but.”  No one will hear you no matter how much you love him.

And that is what this aching heart-mother taught me about presence.

Question:  How has avoiding the “but” in your dialogue affected the reception of what you’ve said?  Or vice-a-versa?
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Blog-Jacking – by Rick C.

Hi Everyone… I thought I would kind of write a guest blog today (call it blog-jacking even) DQ did not specifically asked me to do this, however, I do not have any clear recollection of her specifically asking me not to do this either. With this in mind, I would like to let you know about my unique relationship with DQ (I am just going to write DQ because I have a very limited attention span and am likely to have two or three great ideas flow through my brain by the time I type Dr. Sana Johnson-Quijada and then I also start wondering if she has a middle name too and how she fits all those letters into those forms that have the little boxes on them). Anyway… I communicate with DQ on a regular basis and get interesting insight on a variety of topics. This makes me feel unique and special until I realize that most of the people reading this have the same opportunity. Then I kind of ask myself… “What kind of group have I joined?”

To begin, I would like to talk a bit about my psychiatric qualifications. I spent six years attending college. Technically, these were at a community college, but I did take at least one psych course while I was there. In addition, I am an alcoholic and drug addict in recovery who has previously attempted suicide. I take medications for both depression and ADHD. I had to go through a variety of medication to find the right combination because almost every medication I tried made me sweat profusely and/or break out in a rash. As part of my ongoing training, I am going through a nasty divorce which has caused me to be temporarily unable to see my son or live the life that I have become accustomed to. In addition, I have just lost my job of fifteen years due to cutbacks. All of this in the same month that I turned forty and should be free to seek out a quality midlife crisis.

The fact that I am laying in bed with my shoelaces in my possession in a nice room that I am free to come and go from as I please over two weeks after the divorce/job loss week most likely indicates that I am totally delusional and only think that I am happy or that I actually am. Either way, I am content in the place that I am at. This, to me, is pretty amazing.

I am grateful for that I have been through all the things that I have been through in my life because they have given me the strength and experience to go through what I am going through. Even though I did not do real well in school, I somehow did well enough with a big corporation that they are willing to give me a severance package that will basically pay me for the next four months as long as I do not get a job or accept one of the positions they have offered me. Basically, a bunch of paperwork and legal terms that say to me “Paid, vacation!”

Being an alcoholic and a drug addict have led me to become involved in a program that connects me with others who have previously tried to use alcohol and drugs as a solution for coping with life. These people are a great source of support and experience. As for the prescribed drugs, I am not even really sure that I need them all the time; however, I sure as heck am glad that I was on them when my “Perfect Storm” kicked off. Oh yeah, as part of my challenging week, I found myself with no place to live and immediate access to very little money. A little rational thought and I realized that I have an amazing amount of airline miles from years of travel. In fact, more than enough to take up residence in a nice beach front condo for the next month.

Why am I sharing all of this? For several reasons — First and foremost, I am newly almost single and think that this is a great way to meet ladies without having to ever think about the awkward point in a relationship where I will have to explain my past. In addition, the fact that everyone here is reading this most likely means that you have experience with challenges like mine and I can always use others that I can relate to. Lastly, I have found out that when I have felt that I have a very unique situation, I am usually wrong and that I am actually just not in a group of people who feel comfortable sharing their experiences. It would be kind of cool if everyone just wore a signs with their three biggest “issues” on them. I have a feeling that if everyone formed a group with only the people who had at least one issue in common with them… we’d all be in the same great big group called life.

Thanks for reading to this point. What do you think about this? Are you female and single or considering becoming that way? Could this really be a worse idea than matchharmoneyfinder.com or whatever it is called? Keep on and be a friend to yourself and stuff.

Oh yeah….DQ, please get better soon because this blogging stuff is cutting into my busy schedule!

 

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Self-care Begins and Ends With “Me” – Own It

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Self-Care Tip #129 – Self-care begins and ends with “Me” – own it.  Be a friend to yourself.

Yesterday we talked about connecting self-care with pleasure to make it sticky.

Today, We’ll talk more about some of the adjustment issues of why we don’t do self-care on the obvious, such as nurture vs. nature.  We’ll talk about the nurture part.  Specifically, our own not what our parents did to us.

Why don’t we stand up to our personal needs?  We don’t.  We don’t own the friendly changes that we would benefit from.

Carol who used to abuse methamphetamines and alcohol many years ago, now tells me that smoking is her only vice and she needs to have at least one.  She says she doesn’t want to stop even though her feet and hands are blue from not getting enough oxygen.

Another part of the answer is that we are so overwhelmed by the wrong we see around us.  We qualify and quantify it away, desensitized to our own needs.

“Have you seen that dietitian?!  How can she possibly give advice on weight loss when she can’t see her feet?”  And we ignore our own central fat, knowing that it has meaning.  Meaning like, we have unseen fat layering onto our central organs.  Meaning, we are more likely to develop metabolic illnesses such as diabetes.

We don’t own it.  We don’t “Just do it.”  We talk about other people and draw lines between their mistakes making pictures that we can hide our own problems behind.  We can make sense of why they are suffering so.  Yet our own problems are some sort of enigma.  Yet to be determined by science!  Open-mouthed, hands splayed in a why stance, we can’t connect our own dots.

All health begins and ends with “Me.”  Including mental health.

Find yourself again.  Amidst all the world’s needs, you still are important.  Peel off Channel 4 News, the internet, the fears about what is outside your front door, and see yourself there under it all.  Needing self-care.

Question:  How do you keep view of yourself despite the distractors?  Please tell me your story.

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Recipe for Treating Panic Disorder, According to Me

 

shoponline2011.com

 

Recipe for Treating Panic Disorder, According to Me:

1.  If it’s taking you to the emergency room feeling like you’re going to die, or your spouse can’t peel you off with your phone calls and new needs – you have a medical illness.  Get medication.

2.  If you are afraid of being humiliated by an episode so much that you avoid public places, or if you are more fearful than not – you have a medical illness.  Get medical treatment.

3.  If you are panicking out of the blue, without something setting you off/triggers like finding your husband in bed with your dentist – this is biological.  Get a medical physician’s opinion.

4.  If you are awakening from sleep in a panic attack, when you feel like you have to get out of bed and escape and the episode lasts for about 10+ minutes before you recover yourself – this is not because you’re not trying hard enough.  Get on a serotonerigic therapy and a sleep aid(s).

5.  If you are drinking more alcohol to relax and out of fear of going to bed – get suspicious and get smart.  Medication therapy or alcohol?  It stumps me when someone says they don’t feel comfortable with taking medication that has beed studied in double-blind studies on thousands of people and reviewed and analyzed and more… but they do feel comfortable with alcohol.  That’s not friendly with yourself.

6.  If you think you are going crazy and realize your fears and suspicions don’t make sense; if you think you are possibly going psychotic over and over – you’re having a medical illness of the brain and body called panic disorder.  Get to your nearest treating physician and trust them.

 

juno.cumc.columbia.edu

 

7.  If this is you, don’t go get insight or supportive psychotherapy at least until you have been on medication therapy for 6-8 weeks.  What you are going through is not because your mom yells at you too much.  It doesn’t have to have a reason.  It is medical.  Treat it medically.  If you go to therapy too soon, you will see that you can’t give what you don’t have.  (I may have offended some people saying this.  Sorry.)

8.  If you don’t get treatment, expect that depression may likely follow soon.  Anxiety and depression are bedfellows and can’t be apart for long.

    Self-Care Tip #92 – View Panic as a medical illness.  It is.  Be a friend to yourself.

    Question:  Have you or someone you known used a similar recipe or a different one?  Please tell me your story.

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    Yell and Someone Will Hear

    Today a reader responded to the blog posted on August 30, 2010, “Own It.  Our Life’s Work.”

    Al-Anon, a great program. I really feel blessed to have found a 12 step program that is so gentle yet so encouraging with wonderful results for me personally.  It has taught me how to quiet my mind, live in the moment, live and let live, and let go and let God.  All principles I apply daily and the pleasure I get from living this way has enhanced all aspects of my life.  This program is not only for the loved ones of alcoholics but for anyone who has a family member suffering from addiction or if you were raised in a home with perfectionistic standards.  These standards stunt emotional growth and the results emotionally are no different than growing up in a home with addiction.  From the outside the perfectionistic home may look functional whereas the alcoholics home looks chaotic, but the emotional impact is the same.  Growing up this way may result in other acceptable addictions like workaholic, churchaholic, perfectionism, eating disorders etc… …It got me thinking about how thankful I am for Al-Anon.

    She said it well.  First hand this woman of courage tells us bits of her story.  She demystified some of the suspicions about a group like Al-Anon.  She invites all of us, by her testimony, to also have courage.  To also share.  To also work on our own battered selves.  She unclosets getting treatment.  She tells us we need each other.  Al-Anon is a group meeting.  There is healing.  Healing is not a condition of stalemate.  She tells us about healing and progress.  We can choose.

    In the Wizard of Oz

    Tin Woodsman: Help! Help!
    Scarecrow: It’s no use screaming at a time like this. Nobody will hear you. Help! Help!

    Self Care Tip #37 – Yell and someone will hear you!  Be a friend to yourself.

    Question: What do you think?  Please tell me your story.


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    Own It. Our Life’s Work.

    We can control what others do about as much as we can control the Democratic government.

    My patient asked me if her medications were changing who she was.  After asking her more about where that came from, she disclosed that her husband was blaming her medications for the emotional distance between.  He was not blaming his daily alcohol intake nor that he see’s her as “The Patient” and not himself.  This is after she has spent years investing in herself through medications, some counseling, and regular exercise.  This woman had courage.  Yet she still bought into what her husband was telling her.

    We personalize things that have very little to do with us.  Sometimes we know we’re doing it, but more often we don’t.  In this woman’s case, I had to think, how much of this was about her versus the accuser, i.e. husband.  We came to understand together that either way, true or not, the only person in her relationship she could better, is that same person she’s been attending to so well for so long.  In the end we were talking about going to CoDA, Al-Anon, or local support groups through NAMI.  She focussed on herself, excited about her opportunities to grow some more.  She wasn’t thinking so much about her husband getting passed up by his own opportunities.  Nor about the accusations.

    Talking to a friend who recently shed 15 unwanted pounds, we did a celebration whoop!  She wasn’t perseverating on her husband who was smoking again. She was hurt by it, but used the energy in that emotion to motivate change in her own life.  Who knows.  Maybe her husband will grow from wanting what he see’s in her.  Courage, self-respect, inner congruence, hope, and so many more great things that come when you fight hard for your precious self.

    Not taking things personally though can be much easier said than done.  If you try over and over but see that it continues to get the best of you, consider getting an opinion from someone you trust.  Get a “third-party” opinion to bounce your perspectives from.  Maybe this is something biological and medical as well. Personalization is a familiar problem in medical illnesses such as Affective Spectrum Disorders or Anxiety Spectrum Disorders.

    Self Care Tip #35 – Own it.  Be a friend to yourself.

    Question:  What do you think?  Please tell me your story.