Al-Anon/Alateen

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Codependent,… Or Something?!

Inquisition condemned (Francisco de Goya).

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Codependent.

It’s a term a lot of people use but I don’t think we are all using it to mean the same thing.  It is poorly defined and confusing.  If codependency were a medication, we would call it a “dirty medicine,” because it hits so many “receptors.”  It is nonspecific.

Who hasn’t ever been shamed by the fear that they are codependent?

You are codependent! 

Am I codependent!!!??

The word implies blame.  Blame for what?  And that is one of the places we walk away without benefit.  Was the word useful to any of us in any way?

In general, vaguely, codependence implies awareness and participation with mal-behavior that we are powerless to.  Treatment preferably includes a twelve-step program that includes the surrender of what we don’t have power over to our Higher Power.  Codependence may incidentally be combined with brain disease and of course that would need medication therapy.

There are however a few things that must be cleared up.

  1. There is nothing shameful about being married, the child of or of any relation to an addict.  That position doesn’t diagnose us with codependency unless that’s what that word is being used to define.  You never know.
  2. There is no shame in wanting to be with people, depend on people, seek people out to problem-solve and get energy from being with people.  That position does not diagnose codependency unless that’s what the word is being used to define.  You never know.

However,

  1. There may be a relationship to family of addicts
  2. There may be a relationship to anger problems
  3. There may be a relationship to kids of parents who expected perfect kids, spouses of spouses who expect perfect spouses, pet-owners who… (Oh wait.  That’s not right.)

BUT, per Dr. Q, if we find ourselves…

  1. in recurring negativity – perhaps an argument that happens over and over
  2. with an increasingly limited ability to participate in life
  3. powerless
  4. doing things we wouldn’t normally do/out of character
  5. tied into someone else’s mal-behavior
  6. consciously aware of that someone’s mal-behavior

IT’S WORTH THINKING ABOUT IT.  We might not be codependent, whatever that means, but we do need help.

Questions:  How do you identify this in your life or someone you know?  How have you been able to stop being dependent on someone you knew was repeatedly doing mal-behavior?  Please tell me your story.

Self-Care Tip #275 – Forget the shame and just get about your work to figure this out.

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Please Don’t Say “But”

Christopher Robin in his Disney depiction.

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Self-Care Tip #152 –  Please don’t say “but” to be a friend to yourself.

She wanted to explain why.  Her sons did not hear.  So she explained why to me.  I listened.  What I learned was…

…It is her choice.  Forget about explaining her “why.”  She knows that they can only hear themselves.  If she wants to be in their lives, she has to be with whom they are in this moment, trumpeting her failures, bemoaning their losses.  If she wants to be with them she’ll meet them there in the gutter and remember their value when she smells stench.

If you’re going to be with the sick, you can’t expect them to mop your brow with tender caresses.  Remember yourself.  If you want to be with your sons, than be where they are, apparently breathing fire and your name is the flame.  Still want to be with them?  Don’t explain why then.  Just be with them, like Christopher Robin when Poo was stuck in the tree trunk.  Just stand there until they can get out and be.  Being present.

If you say “but” it means you didn’t hear. “I’m sorry but,” is not saying I’m sorry. “Yes but,” is worse than many more obvious offenses. See the eyes roll? Hear the sighs?  Watch the words fall apart into letters that pile up like a wall in front of whatever it was that was said in the 1st place.

In some such scenarios it can be a first come first serve. Wait your turn to complain. Wait your turn to present your case.  If you didn’t get there first, listen.  And let the air fill up with all the things that someone wanted to say, and don’t open windows.  Just breath.  Just stay and breath and listen to them if you choose to.  If you choose to be a part of that person, where they are now, stay and be and breath.  Another time if and when they can be with you, you can explain the why.  Maybe they will never be able to give you that gift.  But are they worth it to you?

For her, she decides moment by moment.  You can’t give what you don’t have and sometimes she has what it takes to give that gift and sometimes she does not.  When she doesn’t, she isn’t standing beside their bodies stuck in a tree hole.   She’s off taking care of herself like she should be.  They’re still worth it to her.  And in her story, when she’s gone from them it doesn’t equal her abandoning them.  It means she can’t give just then.

For others, being gone may mean that it is not worth it.  That is fair.  It is a free choice to give a gift.  Gifts are free.  Listen or walk away. …But please don’t say “but.” No one will hear you.

And staying present doesn’t mean more than just that.  It doesn’t make you guilty by association.  It doesn’t give you a “go to jail” card.  If you don’t judge yourself that is.  Wow.  What a gift.  Standing present with the one you love.  Even when they are not being nice.  Even when they are not healthy-minded and say all manner of evil against you, still stand beside them, a witness to their value.

Nor does being present turn you into a noodle.  For pity’s sake, it means only what it means to you.  There is love.  And love is stronger than anything. …But please don’t say “but.”  No one will hear you no matter how much you love him.

And that is what this aching heart-mother taught me about presence.

Question:  How has avoiding the “but” in your dialogue affected the reception of what you’ve said?  Or vice-a-versa?
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Yell and Someone Will Hear

Today a reader responded to the blog posted on August 30, 2010, “Own It.  Our Life’s Work.”

Al-Anon, a great program. I really feel blessed to have found a 12 step program that is so gentle yet so encouraging with wonderful results for me personally.  It has taught me how to quiet my mind, live in the moment, live and let live, and let go and let God.  All principles I apply daily and the pleasure I get from living this way has enhanced all aspects of my life.  This program is not only for the loved ones of alcoholics but for anyone who has a family member suffering from addiction or if you were raised in a home with perfectionistic standards.  These standards stunt emotional growth and the results emotionally are no different than growing up in a home with addiction.  From the outside the perfectionistic home may look functional whereas the alcoholics home looks chaotic, but the emotional impact is the same.  Growing up this way may result in other acceptable addictions like workaholic, churchaholic, perfectionism, eating disorders etc… …It got me thinking about how thankful I am for Al-Anon.

She said it well.  First hand this woman of courage tells us bits of her story.  She demystified some of the suspicions about a group like Al-Anon.  She invites all of us, by her testimony, to also have courage.  To also share.  To also work on our own battered selves.  She unclosets getting treatment.  She tells us we need each other.  Al-Anon is a group meeting.  There is healing.  Healing is not a condition of stalemate.  She tells us about healing and progress.  We can choose.

In the Wizard of Oz

Tin Woodsman: Help! Help!
Scarecrow: It’s no use screaming at a time like this. Nobody will hear you. Help! Help!

Self Care Tip #37 – Yell and someone will hear you!  Be a friend to yourself.

Question: What do you think?  Please tell me your story.


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Own It. Our Life’s Work.

We can control what others do about as much as we can control the Democratic government.

My patient asked me if her medications were changing who she was.  After asking her more about where that came from, she disclosed that her husband was blaming her medications for the emotional distance between.  He was not blaming his daily alcohol intake nor that he see’s her as “The Patient” and not himself.  This is after she has spent years investing in herself through medications, some counseling, and regular exercise.  This woman had courage.  Yet she still bought into what her husband was telling her.

We personalize things that have very little to do with us.  Sometimes we know we’re doing it, but more often we don’t.  In this woman’s case, I had to think, how much of this was about her versus the accuser, i.e. husband.  We came to understand together that either way, true or not, the only person in her relationship she could better, is that same person she’s been attending to so well for so long.  In the end we were talking about going to CoDA, Al-Anon, or local support groups through NAMI.  She focussed on herself, excited about her opportunities to grow some more.  She wasn’t thinking so much about her husband getting passed up by his own opportunities.  Nor about the accusations.

Talking to a friend who recently shed 15 unwanted pounds, we did a celebration whoop!  She wasn’t perseverating on her husband who was smoking again. She was hurt by it, but used the energy in that emotion to motivate change in her own life.  Who knows.  Maybe her husband will grow from wanting what he see’s in her.  Courage, self-respect, inner congruence, hope, and so many more great things that come when you fight hard for your precious self.

Not taking things personally though can be much easier said than done.  If you try over and over but see that it continues to get the best of you, consider getting an opinion from someone you trust.  Get a “third-party” opinion to bounce your perspectives from.  Maybe this is something biological and medical as well. Personalization is a familiar problem in medical illnesses such as Affective Spectrum Disorders or Anxiety Spectrum Disorders.

Self Care Tip #35 – Own it.  Be a friend to yourself.

Question:  What do you think?  Please tell me your story.